dominicvineoftheowls (dominicvine) wrote,

what'd i do with my heart?

Leo wanted to get the mobile phone thing sorted out

we ate some of the cold cuts and cheese he'd bought the day before
then headed off in the trusty #16 Tram
down town

jumped off at the muntplein
and walked down the rokken

eventually finding some mobile phone stores
about 8 of them all next to eachother

we went into each
talked with people about plans

it sounded like Vodafone was the best
and Leo had a SIM card from them anyway that he'd got last August
so we topped his up and opened it to all of Europe by activating the Passport
then i bought one
and put another 20€
figured i'd be able to use it around europe
maybe get another SIM card in Germany... maybe Spain
maybe Turkey?

we'll see how much i need it
how useful it is
not too worried: i've tried Skype and it works fine (had a nice little talk with my mom using SkypeOut)
so international calling is pretty taken care of
so long as i can keep finding free WiFi

but it is nice to have a number.

we walked from there down the Warmoerstratt
today i got lucky: There was Juan Carlos Tajes
grinning like a mischevious elf
grinning like a kid who's got the best candy coming to him
grinning like a dirty old man reliving his youth
something about love...

we hugged
it took him a few moments to notice Leo.

we went in
he made tea
we sat and talked for a few hours

all the stuff
stuff going on in our lives

i left him to chat with Leo about something
and went to the WC

a sudden rush
(cue the Erland Oye)
all the stuff on his walls
things so familiar to me

my heart was so open here
so wounded
so bleeding
i'd pick at the scabs
eat them
rip it open
sream the agony
dance in the fire of the pain

the lonliness

the hope

looking at someone
bleeding heart
projecting into a future
watching for the inuendos
pushing against the ideals
dreading the defeats, the denials, the rejection
broken hearted
broken hearted over and over
such desire

where is that boy now?

here i am... a man?


i sat and mourned that stupid childish self
so desperate to find someone to complete himself
longing for someone to share every moment with

where is he?
some faint call..

i remember when i met Nayland again
how i had first met him when my heart was so raw
and instantly fell in love with him
sorry "fell" "in love" "with him"
though i wasn't like that when i Met him again
and actually became friends with him
that colour was still always between us and over us and around us
and it took most of last year for it to wash off

as i've closed my heart to that weird desire
washed everything in grey
(like a Cure song!)
though the constant pain, little drip of red
still so quiet and slight
never forget the dream
just don't live in it anymore

is that bad?
lost passion?
lost heart?
or... Maturity?

here i am
i walk back out there
and Leo says he needs to use the toilet
and in a second
Juan and i are grappling at eachother
he shows me
though he's had his health problems
he's just as insatiably horny as ever

we smile
and make sure we have eachother's Numbers
-- we'll meet soon

But Leo and i head off to get some Dim Sum

i walk him to China Town
and we eat at the ALL YOU CAN EAT Dim Sum house
not Great
but great..

everything is just beautiful
the rain
the mediocre food
the unhappy polish people dramatically yammering behind me
the two chinese girls going through their albums
filling in all the Euro Coins from all the different countries...

we walked out
down the street
across the big road: i was going to show him Marcel's street
... and the way i used to go home

.. constant traffic
a cop car stopped to let us pass
then followed us into the street

amsterdam has changed so much

they asked me to stop
got out of the car
one on each side of me
asked me if i had a passport
' no, but i've got my driver's license '
i show it to them
" oh, we are searching for someone like you... but he is not American "


on they drive
on we walk
away from the commercialism and tourists
quiet neighborhoods...

there is so much more dutch than there used to be
what is this?

i used to always hear english everywhere
so many tourists

not so many
not a royal wedding, like last time i was here
the whole city is ripped up
under construction

there's a war on

so much more dutch
i'm actually... learning some.

the rain comes
we put up our hoods
and walk
the grey
through the streets
fabric stores
coffee shops
... just walking, talking
but it's so late now
and i'm supposed to be meeting this guy at 9 at the Web
so yeah
we go to the Cuckoo's nest
and have a drink
it's all Jenever for me
to put my zoethout into
talking with Leo
we're tired

but some chunky guy looks like he's motioning to me
so i bid Leo farewell
and walk downstairs

don't find the guy i'm looking for
but see a Turkish guy
the most beautiful!
the dark skin and very furry belly!
that brush of thick mushtache
the musky smell

no words
just the ritual
his body shivers as i lick him all over
it's all about fucking for them
but we can't do that
it's a dance
but we get to where we're going
and i'm a happy boy

find Leo again
and we're talking

i'm having a good time
checking myself...

the sexy but sad american tourist is at the bar
Bear guy.
he goes down

i send Leo after him

... and write in my journal for a while

Leo didn't get him
just not interested
a dutch guy
who knows him from one of his more kinky profiles on line


over at the Web
it's very quiet
we talk with the bartender (who i like, and remember from before)
about Spain
and politics
and Amsterdam

different drinks
like Underberg, like Jaggermeister
but not so strong, not so sweet
and from near where he's from, up in Frysland.

the guy i'm there to meet never shows up
Leo heads back over to the other bar
i give some cute furry dutch guy a half hour blow job
he was very appreciative
but said
"that was a lot of work!"
yes, anything worth doing is worth doing well

Then an american, John, starts talking with me
and we're smoking and drinking
and such great conversation
Leo comes back
we're all talking
and Leo makes it clear that he'd like to spend more time with this guy

but it's late
and off we go
back to the house

maybe i'll sleep well tonight?

but no
i come down here
to fuck with my phone

manage to erase ALL MY CONTACTS from my computer

all my saved emails
all my telephone numbers.
off my phone too


there are tons of safety checks
but the computer just glitched
thank you mercury retrograde!


so desperate and sad
i manage to waste another few hours
only succeeding slightly in changing my web page
finally off of yahoo is on its own server now
but it's nothing
just a splash...

picture taken by Miguel for Desi's Donner Party project

there it is

then i went to sleep
managing not to wake Leo
but i stayed in bed again until 11:30 am

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