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Vertical Prose


February 2nd, 2006

why i don't sleep well @ 03:58 am

One of the things i learned from the massage tonight was

i've been stuffing my emotions

i decided that i would always be in pain
always be lonely
always be sad
so i just tuned the radar off those feelings so i wouldn't have to notice them all the time

yeah

but they're still there



here's one of them:

i don't like sleeping alone

i'm embarrassed to admit it!

but it comes out in ways

i don't sleep well on my own
fuck: it's nearly 4am and i'm still awake
-- i'm afraid of my dreams
afraid of an empty bed
cold sheets

i always sleep better with someone else

well
someone i like
well... someone i love.

then there's the problem of me fighting with my lovers
my father
of feeling misunderstood
isolated
alone
forgotten
inept
impotent


---
i decided the world was an insane fucked up sick place
and i decided that i couldn't just throw it away and live with out it
so i moved to NYC to be a part of it
and that decision became only firmer here
thus
i have become furthermore insane fucked up and sick.

how useful is that?

(story's not over, more to be told, more to learn)
 
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