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Vertical Prose


January 19th, 2004

"this disease i give to myself" @ 04:10 am

"But how does it feel?"


so
i took a few breaths
let me continue this.

i woke up this morning
and put myself together

decided to pack up all my stuff and just leave.

the Crown didn't call, as he said he would
as i knew he wouldn't

i called Adriano
and he told me he was busy moving a friend, to call him later

so i went to the cafe and learned that i'd probably given he and other friends ghonnorea
which
just
put
even
more
of
a
DIMMER on the day.

so i finish emails and go call adriano again
no answer
cool
i get food at the market
there's music playing
a really hot bear in the forest of the Republica park
but i don't even want to cruise him and meet him and corrupt him

i've got a little torture factory going on inside me

i really gotta pee

i find a deserted park on the walk to adriano's
and piss in a drain

i call
he's not there

i call and call

cell phone ringing and ringing
house phone ringing and ringing
but i know he's there..
he has to be.

i keep walking
it's not that far, but i got my bag
i get to his house
still no answer

so i want to write to myself
pen still doesn't work
find an old pencil (from michigan, where did i get this?)
and sharpen it on the cement
to a little graphite nub
i scratch out all the people i had sex with
and how i felt
and all the randomn words going through my head

"sure, let ye who is without sin cast the first stone
go ahead"


get up
call him again

no-go

so i spaz a second
leave a message on his cell phone
and regurgitate
i mean, gather
myself
and decide to call Smurf.

Now...

hm,

i have a few different worlds

but we just came out of a mercury retrograde in capricorn
:life choices like career
but for me,
well, i'm a solopsist, i was telling a friend tonight
i don't like to admit it, it's very amature
but still, just being Honest
the world is me
i am me
god is me
rather... i mean, these are the logical extremes
and when i feel hateful, sad, lonely, fucked up
i just want to cut out all the bull shit
the beautiful hibiscus trees in bloom
the nice curve of the belly
the clouds turning golden
fuck it, want to cut out all the disease and dying and lying and useless trying
want to just be god
alone
nothing else
just to get things clear for a moment.

so everywhere i go is me
everyone i meet is me
is me and daddy
me and my bro,
me and me and me and me again

"sure it's kinda lonely, yeah, it's sort of Sick, when you're one and only is a dirty selfish trick" (thank you louden wainwright)

so
i have a few differnet worlds
in one of them
i'm just a guy

so last year i was just a guy in europe
a little bit lost
going through the punches
wearing the bruises well

eli came to visit and i got really fucking sick
and it changed all my plans
which i held against him
which i hated him for
but he was trying to prepare himself for his dad dying
and he was trying to get me back into the world of friends
not Fuck-mates.

see, many people i meet
it's nice
but there is nothing there but sex.
and many of them don't do anything with sex
don't think about it
don't understand it
hardly feel it, but for the burst at the end
(yes, there are many others, thank you for your presence)
so there are many sugar people
rots my teeth
(there you go, danny, dreams about our teeth falling out... and about 50% of the men down here have pop-eye arms, so beautiful,but they're the straight ones... for all the good it does us)
and eli was trying to bring me back to the world where you meet people to have sex with because of love
because of a wholistic life

i know this now
i knew it then!
i just didn't really understand it then

back then, i had just met Chad
and chad kept re-occuring
Chad is about my age, a bit older
travelling kid
totally different than me
sagitarrius
straight
american, kinda
grew up, kinda, in the UK, still lives there, kinda.

he invited me to brazil last spring (US standards)
and i really wanted to go
but was under the spell of needing daddy
(what the fuck?)
with yacov
so couldn't

ironically
daddy (larry, my blood father) bought my ticket to come down here.

so i emailed chad and asked him for contacts.

i didn't want to stay with more bears i'd be afraid of giving diseases to
and, honestly, just wanted to stop the roll i was on
take a break
change tracks.

chad gave me some numbers
one of them was Smurf.

smurf sez
"yeah, come on over"
tells me how to get there

i have to stop at the internet cafe on the way, though
you know, i just loves me some computers...

i take the trains
and get to smurfs
just in time!
we're on our way to his girl-friend's sister's boy-friend's house for a fondue party
which i'm thinking, cool, right, rainbow hippy kids
right?

No.
the place is right by last night's daddy's house
(which is good, i left my hair stick there...)
and it's a huge high-rise apartment.

and the whole family is there!
and none of them speaks english!

and we're eating fondue!
and i'm terrified i'm going to give them all ghonnorea!

FUCK!

can you pass ghonnorea through a fondue pot?

wait a second
when did i start believing germ-theory bullshit again?

DAMN!

see, i don't believe germ theory.
i mean, it's valid, sure
i guess...

so is anything you believe in
we all need beliefs
what we belief creates our reality
we all got our own world to live through

but when i'm tired and angry an fall back into my solopsist mind-set
and i'm god alone trying to re-set the world from all that is Fuct (in my view)
i do my best to imagine other ways around things that are more empowering to the everyday god
instead of going through the old-school catholic heirarchys of doctors and drugs and shit.

so i can't really talk to anyone at this party
but for what smurf is translating
and i'm really attracted to Mario, damn he's cute, little furry italian guy
hmmm, pop-eye arms...
and i'm thinking about giving him ghonnorea
and the mothers of the daughters, them too
and the young girls, them too
and i'm thinking about germ theory
and Lurgees
and ReSponSibILLiTIES

ask yourself
"What should i do?"

do i say
"no, i can't eat any of this fondue, sorry"

or
do i wake the fuck up and alter my reality out of this dark heavy hole i've put myself in?

well, i can only do that through understanding

my teen age mentor, trent reznor, comes into my head
"there is no god up in the sky, tonight
no sign of heaven anywhere in sight
all that was true is left behind
once i could see now i am blind
don't want the dreams you try to sell
this disease i give to my Self

and how does it feel??

SUCK SUCK SUCK"

yeah, fuck that shit.

putting it together, bit by bit.


as i'm walking up that hill
running up that road, running up that building (io)
to get my hairstick back from that daddy
(he's fallen in love with another boy tonight, this one will be his boy friend, really)
i see a sign for a "rock-clothing store"
big dragon holding an electric guitar

think of nine inch nails
think of anger
think of dragons

dragons
the symbol of creative energy
and knowing how creative the violence and anger can be
and the passion of sex

i harness my dragon
i ride it
through my fear and self hatered

wait a minute

how many hundreds of dicks have i sucked in the world?
how come i've never got ghonnorea before?

wait a second, leo's sucked 2 million dicks
and
well, he's got it in the past
but not for 20 years...

why am i doing this to myself?

the people that i wrote and told
two of them immediately replied and were like
"i'm fine"
one had even got checked by a doctor since we'd had sex
Zero.

germ theory, how silly.

open dorrs? no boundaries? melting foundations?
yeah...

i'm so sorry dominic
i love you.

on the train
i saw a very tired white woman
with a brightly coloured anime bag
the charecter said
"i want you to say 'love' to me instead of 'sorry'.
i am very happy to be with you"

i stood on another platform
waiting for another train
and thanked god for my gag reflex
that is
in my life
i often indulge myself until i get sick from it

ice cream

chocholate

sex

etc...

but i always stop after that...

i know so many who don't.



i am here to support my mother in seeing a miracle
she just wants to witness one...

it amazes me
i mean
the fact that anyone is alive at all is a miracle
every time i get in a car i'm amazed it doens't explode or crash into something
a plane? MY GOD!
sex is pretty insane
and that anyone could survive being a child...
the list is endless
i see miracles every fucking day
MILLIONS OF THEM

but i always forget

(laughs)

laughter and forgetting, right?

well,
after all the pain and anger and worry
i'm happy i remember right now
if only for a moment
before i go to sleep
shorty before the sun rises

love you all
thanks for keeping us alive.

(5am)
 
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