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Vertical Prose


January 25th, 2006

i want the one i can't have @ 11:23 am

Current Music: the smiths

Tuesday was my Monday.

i spent most of the day indoors
sleeping
reading
researching on the internet
about the musicians i saw last night
and plans for europe

around 4 i got a call to go give an hour massage
so went up to Times Square

the client was nice
- LA -
i went to go get a Better Burger
walking down
over to 9th ave
talking on the phone with a guy i used to be friends with
but he just stopped calling me
-- he was looking for a husband
and i'm not husband material
and even though he had fun with me
conversation and sexually
he chooses to pursue an immature frat kid
that was annoying and the sex was terrible
but i guess he was emotionally needy enough
or something:
how many times will that story be told?
i've lost quite a few friends to the Longing For Stability.

but i wanted to see how he was doing..

during the conversation on the phone
i thought i heard something drop
but thought i was just being paranoid and let it go...
i took the burger with me
coz they were closing
and got on the bus
still talking with E
down to 14th street
i walked most of the way across
eventually catching the buss for a few blocks

there was a Fragile kid
coulda been trevis
he must have dumpstered the clothes...
or was he really a newbie to the city who had been devoured by it?
gentle face
all tourist clothes
baggy jeans
red NYC hoodie and ball cap
his glance darting around in every direction
not able to hold eye contact
moving like a terrified rabbit
voice so tender

was it drugs?
or just being completely overwhelmed?

i got off the bus
and went into nowhere (second time in two days!)
coz it was Big Lug
the bear night
and i liked to stop by once every three months or so

was danny there?
no.
was LD there?
no
anyone i knew?
no.
yes.
Warren
a sweet guy
but i didn't feel like talking with him

i walked into the bar feeling like i wanted to be wild and have fun
trying to get a beer
i asked this cute pakistani boy to move for me
he wouldn't
i went to tickle him
he looked horribly offended
i so moved around the bar
and he started offering me peanuts
like an animal?
i tried eating them out of his hand with my mouth
he didn't like that either
and threw it at me

i got a guiness
and went back to the front of the bar, by the door
coz i'd seen a really handsome bear talking with a long haired guy
-- interesting folk i wanted to pursue
(Big Lug is the Freak Bear hang out... as opposed to the Conservo-Bears at Dugout)
John and... Michael?
John was just the bomb for me
( i don't speak like this, i swear to you, it's just coming out in my writing: i never say "bomb")
we talked for a while
he told me he'd just got back from Brazil
he loved brazil
was dating a guy down there
mostly spent time in Sao Paulo
loved the big city
and man, life was all about travelling, he lived to travel
wow, we had a lot in common, maybe we could be friends, i said
maybe i was shining too heavy on him?
he said
"excuse me"
and walked off to talk with other guys
sucking face with a tall thin clean shaven...
ugh...

i stood there
looking around

the pakistani boy walked up to me
and made introductions
and said how sexy i was
and pushed himself into me
and eventually started kissing my ear
while i tried to explain i wasn't interested in him at all sexually
but he seemed like an interesting fellow
from Iowa
and maybe we could be friends?
as he tried to kiss my mouth

i turned away from him (cold shoulder, right?)
and rolled a cigarette

i looked for John

and felt sad

i wanted to have fun
no fun here
just general bar stuff
of feeling awkward
alone
and mis-matched

this pakistani kid is staring at me
saying
"look: i'm looking you in the eyes: i can really see you"
and trying to kiss me
i sang "i want the one i can't have, and it's driving me mad"
and i fled.

talked with a very cute guy i'd chatted with on line long ago
named Giovanni
very sweet
very cute

but behind him was John
and then the pakistani boy walked back up to me
pushing me into a corner
blocking my view of Giovanni
UGHARGH!

i walked outside into the cold
and lit my cigarette

a cute boy walks out of the bar
directly towards me
asks for a cigarette
i tell him i don't have one
but i could roll him one
after i'm done with mine

it's only a minute before he reaches for my dick
grinding his hips into me
telling me that he's 19
and he's going to go home with me

i try and tell him he's wrong
i try to run away from him
but he keeps following me

i literally start running around in circles out in front of the bar
another guy who i'd met at the Eagle three years before
who remembered my name
was trying to talk with me
but this kid is there
intercepting
saying
"yeah, we'll have a hot three way, both of you fucking me"
and i'm getting this terrible desperate feeling (from all directions)
i should just go home
-- i want to talk with John
-- i don't want to make him feel the way i'm feeling right now
should i just go back in there and ask him if he has any interest in me?
he obviously doesn't
why am i wasting my time?
why does it matter?
who the fuck is he?
bloody mother fucking asshole

I FUCKING HATE THIS FEELING

John walks out of the bar
and i walk over to him
roll another cigarette
while this really fucking hot Mexican Stud named Julian walks over and introduces himself to John
John focuses on him
i rub his neck a little
gorgeously hairy
but he's obviously more interested in Julian
then Julian takes off

Julian and i have a lot in common
when i go back in the bar
i offer to buy John a drink
get it for him
mean while
he's kissing that tall thin clean shaven again
who leaves
and then he's talking with the boring Jersey-ite who has absolutely nothing to say about anything
then Julian comes back
and he's all talking to him
drinking his beer

i sit on the stool
and look at the Jerseyite
who stares back at me with a blank dog-like-look
and i say
"Oh Well!"

he smiles.

Julian calls out to me across the bar
obviously wanting to pull me into this conversation
where John is saying "i want to know your hobbies"
and Julian is saying "fucking men. that's it. i fuck men... and fix cars"
he's making jokes about running across the boarder
he's complaining about the cement feeling in his stomach from eating the Taco Bell
he's saying he's a top because no one can flip him over
his comb is bright red
his tail feathers are oily black and fully extended
his wings are held out and splayed
his breast feathers fluffed out so all the colours can be seen
John is puppie eye'd over him
and i'm explaining that i've fucked every one on the planet
and i'm kinda over it
though sex is just great and hot and sweaty and musky
my criteria now comes down to people that can connect emotionally and intellectually as well
and who will lay around naked in bed and cuddle with me

that stopped both of them
then they were like
"that's so cool"
and they start making out
and then John goes to the bathroom
and Julian puts it on me
and we're sucking face
and he's hot
but i'm so fucking sad at this point
i write out a note on the bar
my name and number and email and url
and i make a show of putting it in John's right chest pocket when he gets back
and i say
"Good Night Boys"

walking down the street
i put my hand in my pockets
(Fucking Cold)
and notice something feels wrong:
SomeHOW
my house keys have fallen off my keychain.
(i have a few different sets of keys attatched on clips)

Fuck.
it's 2am now
Bridget said she MIGHT be home from the bronx tonight
probably
because she has an 8am meeting down here
but
she'd probably be asleep if that was the case..

i talked with Leo on the walk home
and there were two boys going in when i got there
so at least i was in the building
but the door was locked
so ...
i called her
and rang the door bell
and she let me in groggily
looking angry
i felt bad...
but
hey.

i talked with Leo a while longer
and think i managed to stay up til dawn fucking around with Solitaire and converting videos and masturbating
and
feeling
generally
lonely.
 
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