after watching the crappy movie
after posting that little tid-bit here
i heard my phone ringing
and ran up stairs
i hadn't talked with him in a month
so i had to tell him about the potential bacterial infection
as he asked and asked and asked:
How Was i?
i told him i was feeling a bit embarrased
just kinda goofy
i've got so used to having sex with everyone i meet.
when i see someone beautiful
i don't as much wonder what it would be like
but i go out to make it happen.
... when i have the time
-- this is the ideal
of course it hasn't happened like that
but the potential has always been there
what i wish to be
but i can't do that now
don't feel like it
and it's very confusing
he told me it's Maturity
and it may be,
it's my conscience
it's my heart, too
i'm tired of skimming the surface
i want to go deeper
and it doesn't only require moving slower
but diving less frequently
it's like re-hauling my speach patterns or something
like a kid sitting down for a few hours for a few weeks
practicing (rejecting and restructuring) his Signature
how am i? who am i?
damn: kid stuff.
but i saw some pictures of Mature Men
(Oscar's picture in bitterlawngnome 's journal, specifically)
that i could feel myself aspiring to
and it made me realize
that i had never seen an image of myself as Mature and Sexy and Healthy and... Alive
what strange things that come in the night
thanks for so many things
and i'm sorry
and thank you
here i am.