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Vertical Prose


January 19th, 2004

"are you the trouble i've been looking for?" @ 03:53 am

so
last night

um
so
Yesterday
right?
i buy some herbs
unha de gato
and
salvia

i go to visit this guy i met on line

the whole time we're in the computer room

the whole time he's on the computer
or me

like fuckin junkies.

we have sex
but he can't get hard
and he's taking pictures
and it's porn.

right?

the tea was good though

and he's nice

so i leave
and go to another guy's house
who i met on the internet
and he's like
all over in a millaaasecond
and like, totally in love
and all that angel shit
and like
after the sex
i say
>>why did i just do that?<<
i didn't want to

UGH
i hate when that happens

so he takes me into his son's room,
23, right?
to have sex in his bed!

i'm freaked out
so i fall asleep
(i was hungry, he made me dinner, it was sweet, kinda: most of the food was rotten, or half)
i wake up at dark
and it's all
sex sex sex
and why don't these guys know to lick their fingers or spit or something before trying to finger my ass?
damn!
really frustrating
and he wants to fuck me
and i'm all "NO"
and "NO NO NO"
and he's on it
he's at it
and i put my magic mouth to work just to placate him
and i didn't want to

why the fuck do i do this?

answer: i don't
very often
but i did tonight
and he's all over me
angels and shit
and wants to go down town to the bar with me
and fuck bars
i'm so over bars
so the bears
and the bars

there's this guy
i'd been talking to on the internet
realy sexy
all i've seen of him is his belly
his dick
and his thighs

so i'm standing with this realy sweet guy i'd met days before (from the internet)
and he makes a funny face at this hot guy
in an orange shirt
( i was in an orange shirt too! and, like, 50% of the guys there...)
and i tell my friend that i need to be introduced to that guy
coz he's SO hot

well, it's this guy i'd been talking to
who i'd only seen his cock and belly and thighs, right?

his name on line is portoguese for "crown"
he's a leo, right?
i bet, but i didn't ask

anyway

i talk to his boyfriend for a while
(UGHHHH)

and then i have my arm around him
momentarily singing the ABBA song "there was something in the air , something something, Fernando.."
but then it, obviously, switches to magnetic fields "are you the trouble i've been looking for?"

this is great, hilarious really
but i've just had enough
fuck bars
and guys i find really hot
who find me really hot
but are just naturally abusive
or, in my dynamic anyway

or controling like this angel/saint/daddy guy
what am i doing?

some hot guy who speaks NO english wants to dance with me
so we go to this dance bar

it was fucking great, but for this daddy guy
UGH
why?

he touches me and it feels like that terrible terrible feeling
like when i was on mushrooms with eli in the exploratorium tactile dome back in 98 or something
when he touched me
and i could feel all of him
feel him in his confusion and
well, just life
feel him need me
and it felt terrible!

this guy in the bar, this daddy, who doesn't dance
just kinda bops
needs me

need, i find it so un-attractive

but
ya know what?
we all need.

needing society?
sick, but i understand it.

needing a community?
cool.

needing another person?
fucking freaks me out!
why?>:trust issues.
daddy!

so, daddy.
daddy demands my attention
but doesn't keep my interest
he walks me around, holding my hand
the little french girl in my head
who always says "excuse` moi... Merci" on the train
she turns into a bitchy queen and starts taunting
"Oh, le Cling, Le CLING"

i ditch daddy and go dance with the hot guy (who i didn't meet on the internet, but outside of the bar on the street)
we're dancing hand in hand, arm in arm
disco-diva hands over our heads
there's jimmy summervill
there's brazilian traditional stuff with acordians

but i'm feeling all guilty about daddy
and what's worse
i can't keep from kissing this guy
and it's just a kiss
no
dominic has to dive down his throat

ohhh, dominic.

i feel guilty, poor daddy
poor guy in front of me who's not just been in san francisco
(and for you folks at him, SF is all about melting boundaries (for me) all about "hi, could i dive into you?" -- freaks me out, very addictive, very dangerous)
poor me, who's feeling like a freak
adriano behind me smoking a joint
not offering any to me

suddenly it all comes crashing down

and when i'm on a binge
i crave moments like these

i bow out

walk home
(um, hotel)

and sit
try to write, pen goes dead
commissserrratte with myself

try to read
Ganesha... great stuff in there
One Hundred Year's of Solitude
"he didn't like death too much, had to come back... couldn't stand the solitude"
wow.

fall asleep

yeah, sleep
fine.

i sleep
wake up wishing i was dead.

sometimes life's just like that

"you're an angel
you're a deamon
you're just... human"
-- james, "lullabye"


let's cut this post in half
 
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