i buy some herbs
unha de gato
i go to visit this guy i met on line
the whole time we're in the computer room
the whole time he's on the computer
like fuckin junkies.
we have sex
but he can't get hard
and he's taking pictures
and it's porn.
the tea was good though
and he's nice
so i leave
and go to another guy's house
who i met on the internet
and he's like
all over in a millaaasecond
and like, totally in love
and all that angel shit
after the sex
>>why did i just do that?<<
i didn't want to
i hate when that happens
so he takes me into his son's room,
to have sex in his bed!
i'm freaked out
so i fall asleep
(i was hungry, he made me dinner, it was sweet, kinda: most of the food was rotten, or half)
i wake up at dark
and it's all
sex sex sex
and why don't these guys know to lick their fingers or spit or something before trying to finger my ass?
and he wants to fuck me
and i'm all "NO"
and "NO NO NO"
and he's on it
he's at it
and i put my magic mouth to work just to placate him
and i didn't want to
why the fuck do i do this?
answer: i don't
but i did tonight
and he's all over me
angels and shit
and wants to go down town to the bar with me
and fuck bars
i'm so over bars
so the bears
and the bars
there's this guy
i'd been talking to on the internet
all i've seen of him is his belly
and his thighs
so i'm standing with this realy sweet guy i'd met days before (from the internet)
and he makes a funny face at this hot guy
in an orange shirt
( i was in an orange shirt too! and, like, 50% of the guys there...)
and i tell my friend that i need to be introduced to that guy
coz he's SO hot
well, it's this guy i'd been talking to
who i'd only seen his cock and belly and thighs, right?
his name on line is portoguese for "crown"
he's a leo, right?
i bet, but i didn't ask
i talk to his boyfriend for a while
and then i have my arm around him
momentarily singing the ABBA song "there was something in the air , something something, Fernando.."
but then it, obviously, switches to magnetic fields "are you the trouble i've been looking for?"
this is great, hilarious really
but i've just had enough
and guys i find really hot
who find me really hot
but are just naturally abusive
or, in my dynamic anyway
or controling like this angel/saint/daddy guy
what am i doing?
some hot guy who speaks NO english wants to dance with me
so we go to this dance bar
it was fucking great, but for this daddy guy
he touches me and it feels like that terrible terrible feeling
like when i was on mushrooms with eli in the exploratorium tactile dome back in 98 or something
when he touched me
and i could feel all of him
feel him in his confusion and
well, just life
feel him need me
and it felt terrible!
this guy in the bar, this daddy, who doesn't dance
just kinda bops
need, i find it so un-attractive
ya know what?
we all need.
sick, but i understand it.
needing a community?
needing another person?
fucking freaks me out!
daddy demands my attention
but doesn't keep my interest
he walks me around, holding my hand
the little french girl in my head
who always says "excuse` moi... Merci" on the train
she turns into a bitchy queen and starts taunting
"Oh, le Cling, Le CLING"
i ditch daddy and go dance with the hot guy (who i didn't meet on the internet, but outside of the bar on the street)
we're dancing hand in hand, arm in arm
disco-diva hands over our heads
there's jimmy summervill
there's brazilian traditional stuff with acordians
but i'm feeling all guilty about daddy
and what's worse
i can't keep from kissing this guy
and it's just a kiss
dominic has to dive down his throat
i feel guilty, poor daddy
poor guy in front of me who's not just been in san francisco
(and for you folks at him, SF is all about melting boundaries (for me) all about "hi, could i dive into you?" -- freaks me out, very addictive, very dangerous)
poor me, who's feeling like a freak
adriano behind me smoking a joint
not offering any to me
suddenly it all comes crashing down
and when i'm on a binge
i crave moments like these
i bow out
try to write, pen goes dead
commissserrratte with myself
try to read
Ganesha... great stuff in there
One Hundred Year's of Solitude
"he didn't like death too much, had to come back... couldn't stand the solitude"
wake up wishing i was dead.
sometimes life's just like that
"you're an angel
you're a deamon
you're just... human"
-- james, "lullabye"
let's cut this post in half