tonight is the last night
the first night i've cooked for myself
not the first night i've made myself tea, though...
i've given two massages
but i would say i haven't really had sex
this is kinda confusing
every time i touched him i got hard
but i didn't really find him physically or otherwise attractive
however: he was my "type"
so one day
when we kept passing and it kept happening that i'd get hard whenever i touched him
i decided to just do something about it
and there was very little kissing
no blow jobs or fucking
just some body touching
and he was very close to cumming quickly
and i worked him off with my hand
--- he came big white thick drops on the dark mossy ground
and, regardless, i was very turned on and orgasmed - but did not cum.
a few nights later
the eve of Beltane
i came back to the fire to warm up before heading to bed and jumped into the pit right next to another guy i had been seeing over and over again
-- now, in a gathering of 150 people
if i keep connecting with someone over and over again i notice it
he REALLY wasn't my type nor really attractive to me in any way
not repulsive or anything..
and a really really big dick
so i'm getting warm by the fire
and the closeness, the dancing
my cold hands graze his warm skin
and he says "that feels good"
so i start rubbing them all over him
knowing how good it must feel
and enjoying how it is warming my hands as well
and his huge cock is now hard in front of me
and it is the eve of beltane
and i have heard the be-moaning of how the gatherings have had less and less public sex
so... of course.. as community service
i suck his cock
... for 45 minutes.
but there wasn't really a Passion there
more a Play
where as the first
there was a Passion.. just not really Fun or Desire..
not really making Love
not really Sex
but i woke up hearing the men in the forest cumming
i've masturbated in my tent a few times
in and out of sleep
and climbing into beautiful sunny spots
that's been pretty good
but on the other hand
i set up my computer in the bar to display pictures from last year's beltane at short mountain for other to see
but it showed me all the beautiful sex i had last year
(beltane is a sexual time, for those who don't know)
Eric... Goat... Clara... Robert.
Stupid me left Robert on there
who i just can't forget
especially being here on this land
where i cam right after i left him for the final time
still in arkansas...
i came here my first time
with him all over my body
with him in my blood
in my sweat
the sun would heat up my body and bring him out in me
i would have amazing sex magic with him out in the forest
out in the meadow with the sun loving us
that memory was here
but he was even less here
but for his face staring out of my screen
and the fact that now he won't even talk to me
- ohh, my brashness
and my sexual confusion
-- there were some beautiful boys that i enjoyed seeing here
sexually or not
but there were others that i just kept finding hot hot hot
thick and strong and babyish anyway
and another bearish one
and then some older viet-nam vet who was interesting in many ways
big thick grey fu-man-chu and long braided grey hair
thick beefy body
very reserved energy
and telling me about the end of the world
to a reality near you.
but nothing with him
nothing with any of them
the cute boys who find me sexy who i don't really want to have sex with
but love other ways
the cute beefy boys that i make no secrets about wanting to have sex with them
the bearish older guy that i am trying to play with all the time
and the people who stare at me with sexual yearning in their eyes
where am i right now that nothing touches me?
they don't reach inside and violate my boundaries at all
nor do i do that to them
thank you astrology, or whatever
but also just strange
i'll sleep alone
what has happened?
after i was with the one man who came while i played with him
(the blow job around the fire never climaxed while i was there)
i went back about 20 minutes later
and looked at the path where his seamen had fallen
and ants had burrowed up from that very spot
ant-hole freshly open
the little pebbles of ant-dirt un-earthed
somehow they knew
the little earth-gnomes
came out to do their work
i didn't eat that precious fluid filled with someone's vital energy
but they were taking care of it
the big globules of cum surrounded by ants
in perfect rings
drinking it up
what has happened here?
in the heat of the days
i would walk around naked all the time
barefoot and naked mostly
and otherwise wearing the white-silken chasible i got from Leo's...
everyone called me jesus when they talked about me
some said it to me
which is not a rare occurrence, for all of you whom it occurs to
in the heat of the days
i would do yoga naked in the sun
or go down to the river
and jump in the cold water
but it was only in the last time that i jumped in
that the cold was not shocking
the last time
late in the day
when the sun was low enough for the trees to cash shade on the rocks that were usually the warmth i ran to after the rushing cold waters
now i knew that i would just be cold when i got out
so there was no fear... no rush
just jump in.. hang around, stay around...
wash me... wash me...
what has been happening?
on the way up here
Kwai and i stayed in Arcata a night
staying with Damon (nomaD)
who just moved into a new house
back yard: a red-wood forest
i did yoga on the old-growth stumps
Kwai took pictures..
i'll post some soon
but that doing yoga in the redwood forest got me SO high and SO grounded
the first four or five days of being here i just felt GOOD
everything was OK
i was very grounded
nothing got to me
but on May 1st (Beltane)
everyone was on mushrooms
i declined, centerdly
and all ov a sudden
noticed that i was useless
and un-able to connect with people
which wasn't true. of course
someone came up and thanked me for being someone they could ground with
for the most part
i just felt abstracted and isolated
the ritual seeming mostly hollow to me
so messy and ... not easy to believe..
[ when i first started all this Faery stuff... i could come into any belief system and just accept it.. so i could experience it... knowing that it was SOMEone's reality... so could visit it like a town or time or planet... and had myself.. my own reality to return to..-- i lost that ability, it seems, when i was last here at Wolf Creek: my 23rd birthday back in 2001-- when i cut off all my hair and tried to get to the truth of myself... who is a judgemental bastard.. it seems]
so, in my isolation
In My Solitude!
i wandered back to my tent
and noticed that No, i was not grounded
i did NOT feel good
and everything was NOT OK
everything that i was confused about and scared of
was still there
i had just moved on
or ignored it
and being faced with it was just as
and hopeless as always
i looked at it a bit
rolled it around in my palm
and went to sleep.
that pretty much cut me off from feeling good the rest of the gathering
it's May 4th now
so that's been about four days of abstraction
i was still able to connect with people
but only in limping lame kinda way
and maybe that's just how i am now
maybe my intention for healing should be to be Whole
but isn't that what i'm always praying for?
does anyone else pray for things like this?
that's not what i'm doing
i'm telling you of my day-to-day
in my abstraction today
i stay on the internet for nearly two hours answering all my emails
and getting worked up over bears
but none to be had!
still, i orgasmed at exactly 1:31 pm
when the sun was opposing the moon exactly
wholeness and love
today has been lethargic
as have all the days
(yesterday? the day before?)
since people have been leaving...
it's like we all come together and share our energy
and then people leave and take that good energy with them to share with the world
like it's limited
it leaves me
i have been napping a lot
and when not sleeping
un-able to really do anything much
just laying around.
i finished reading "Sarah"
by JT LeRoy
perhaps i'll re-print for you the only second of the book i dog-eared.
i was shocked by the book
because it is his first book
and i had read his second before this
"The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things"
which was just one big painful horror show after the next of shot stories
"Sarah" was fun and playful
absurd and campy and intelligent and epic
well, all that i had read before arriving here at the gathering, that is
the last few days i finished it
and it turned sour
like the rest of the stories he wrote
still beautifully written
but with the moral:
sometimes you just don't fit anywhere and you have no one; not even yourself.
the morrissey song "ouiji board" was stuck in my head on Beltane
this lyric particular:
"... and i just can't find my place in this world"
and another ritual was meant to happen the eve of the Full Moon
but they just couldn't get their Shit together
and Pinn told me about a "Queer as Folk" episode where two of them go to a Faery gathering...
i was also tempted to go to the place where the TV and VCR were to see "Goat Boy and the Potatoe Chip Ritual"(sic)
coz i wanted to see Goat for this beltane...
but the tape was broken
and Queer as Folk was just as terrible as i remember it
that is, i had only ever seen one episode before
and it offended me so much i decided i never needed to watch another
Yes, portray fags as stupid weak out of control queens addicted to drugs, diseases, dance clubs and fucking themeselves over as much as possible in their compeditive bitchy little retarded materialist worlds
(wipes the blood off my nails)
i guess that's what main-stream TV watching culture is made of anyway
but why would anyone watch that shit?
much less faeries?
so these two faeries love QAF
so sit through two episodes of this shit
and it just makes me sad and angry
i missed the ritual
but apparently it was kinda a disaster anyway
i left the house after the TV was turned off
and walked back through the freezing grass barefoot
the moon so gorgeous
the fire nice and bekoning
i played drums a bit
sitting next to Spanky
a boy who i found So Beautiful
nice and muscly, chubby too
bright blue eyes
and a facial structure similar to a Simpson's charecter...
i'd been trying to get some physical intimacy with him for DAYS
and he puts his arm around me
he'd been drinking and smoking
we cuddle a bit
i breathe deep
and our breaths converge at our hearts upwards
then settle down in our bellies
and it's nice
like we're old friends
and then we start talking
he makes some reference to
"you certainly don't need any help closing your circle... or opening your circle.."
and i don't understand
but i still feel that he doesn't want to cuddle naked with me
though i'm all confused about it
and to make matters worse
i'm turned on now
but there is no understood affirmation
perhaps i've just forgotten how to read west coast people?
i left and made my way back to the barn
made some tea
started copying music
and noticed i was exhausted
but there was tea to drink
and cake to eat
.. Chris walked in
[ a boy i met in P-Town last year who came out here and crashed in Ashland for the last 6 months.. i told him about this place a long time ago and hoped that he'd be here--- he is... was ]
told me there was even better cake out by the fire: with chocolate chips...
that, combined with the hopes i could talk Spanky into bed...
back to the fire
.. he was gone
the cake was good
i was so tired
but not in a way to sleep
perhaps i was just on a night cycle?
but i decided to retire anyway
and... slept alone
so today i was silly
like a child
just being annoying to everyone
and napping a lot
and giving a massage
and yelling at the bitches
stern, like a father
but trying to smile while i did it
i made miso soup
like a mother
wanted it to heal everyone
i ate chocolate
made cookies with Jericho
slept in a hammock
slept in the meadow
is it going to rain today?
it looks like it...
moon is waning...
i will sleep alone again tonight
and i am pretty sure i am leaving tomorrow morning with Mugwort
Nova and Baby in the back seat
a week in the bay area
hopefully some friends and lovers
hopefully some good cuddlying
and some soft loving and comfort
hopefully some massage work and money making.
i don't know how the week will work out
or the rest of the month
i'll probably be back up here for the dance in June
then old friends in Portland
as long as new ones...
then Rainbow gathering?
when will i get back to NYC?
and when will i stop travelling and just rest and home and write and rest and heal and create and love and GROUND?
a girl, Bridge, was going around yesterday with a deck of cards asking people to take one .. to have
i looked at the deck and just reached into the centre
my finger snaking between the stacks
and pulled out:
doesn't look like i'll come to rest anytime soon
walking over the skull
maybe there is another who is the journeyman
who will come to me in my
"i pray -- dear Lord above... send back my love"