frustrated as ever.
i haven't posted the photos
.. i haven't finished updating the journal from my Peru trip
when will i have time now?
to type it all in
organize it all?
to Harbin tomorrow
to SF the day after
to NYC the day after
Upstate the day after
back down on sunday
-- i may have to hole up in my room
-- but feel pressured to make money before the holidays
i know i haven't posted in over a week
(well, i just back-dated something i wrote on the 5th, a fragment)
i've been grappling with being back in america
being back in my pain body
being back in all my stupid and silly struggles
there was lots of sex the first few days
give and take
one massage client that very quickly turned otherwise
it was all fun and exciting in southern california
-- but i wasn't acheiving what i wanted.
let my friend Skinny Boy Blue down about seeing his play
perfecting timing missed..
got to SF
and was immediately depressed by it
which made me feel bad..
i kept hearing the Cat Power song "Colors and Kids"
"It's so hard to go into the city
coz you want to say ' Hello ' to everybody..
it's so HARD to go
into the city
coz you want to say ' Hey! i Love You! '
to every body..."
i kept seeing all these beautiful and fun looking kids
all sorts of characters..
devoid of purpose
... going to see someone
riding the train
wandering through the streets...
with nothing pressings
and FRESH from travel
-- i was seeing things clearly
i was imagining their stories
i was caressing their bodies
i wanted to touch everyone
hear them talking to me
smell their breath
but they wouldn't look at me
hardly talk to me
and it took a day and a half of their Busy lives filled with Things to Do
to turn me sour
and suddenly all the stories were sad ones of tragedy and cyclical suffering
samsara spinning around
-- i got a ride from Palm Springs to LA with a massage client
and that was sweet
but i was exhausted (didn't sleep the night before)
and then a ride from Frank Martin, ednixon, up to the bay area
with his friend Kitten
who i was kinda excited by
by the third night in SF
i was just sad
and everyone seemed unhappy
Kitten was a bitchy bore
and i was tired.
my time with Leo has been
so excited to see him
-- that wore off like a cheap silver plating --
and the same complaints of his playful nagging
got to me
by the third day
i was going through my [paper] mail
and found out that when i tested for all my diseases here in SF back in August
and assumed all was well (coz they didn't call me)
i had Chlamydia
rectal, throat-- cock not tested... so probably there too
which means i've probably been passing it around to god knows how many people
and i shudder at having to tell everyone when i get back
(and, of course, can't tell everyone coz some names i don't know, some addresses and numbers i don't have)
-- i've been feeling off
but assuming it couldn't be an STD because i had got tested and was negative in everything!
-- i haven't had any pussy discharge or sever pain
just a mild dis-ease throughout...
i had to call in an antibiotic in Fort Bragg
and took it
no more sugar for a while
no more alcohol (thank you)
but i've had a severely sore throat since sucking Leo's dick
and did i give him this last time i was here? probably.
FUCK FUCK FUCK
where are my charms?
guess that period of my life is over, eh?
i've had Chlamydia on and off for about two years now
i had bad hemeroids and bloody butt back in 2001
and after waiting 1.5hrs at a clinic in SF i just walked out and choose to take care of it myself (hating medical doctors and DISEASE clinics)
i probably cured it with meditation and my three month kitchari fast back in 2001
though it seemed to have flared up again in europe for a few months in the heat of summer
(people told me it was just colonitis... or "excessive Heat" in TCM)
at the begining of 2004
i gave it to three people
which is the first time i realized i had it.
i was traveling in brazil at the time
so when i got back (two months later)
i tested, took the antibiotics
and it should have been cleared
i gave it to a friend in TN!
so took antibiotics again!
i got tested at the begining of this year
and got no call back, so felt fine...
but now i have it again
(by paper mail, thank you)
so i took my Azithromyacin
and what the fuck should i do?
guess my slutting days are coming to an end
-- it's fun
a bit dissatisfying
but what now?
... a diligent path
we'll see how well i balance this new rope.
Context-- Back To Now:
so i've been pissy with Leo
like my time and energy are being eaten up
-- satyrn is pinching me
.. i went to a church dinner with Leo last night
and felt so out of place..
but a nice lady named Charla took up the task of conversing with me
(i walked in her redwoods this spring..)
and told me about her year in Peru back in the '60s...
saying "it's because you've been an outsider your whole life that you're such an interesting person...
and i'm sure you've learned that traveling is the only way for you to be an insider..."
all my suspiscions confirmed..
i went to mass this morning
i can't fucking stand mass...
unless it's in Latin.. then it's great.
i walked out when they started their cannibalism...
and yesterday went to a Buddhist healing at a Zen centre out in the forest
our translator got sick in the middle of it
i felt lots of cold shivers..
it wasn't the Medicine Buddha..
it was a wrathful blue guy..
Vajra ... something.
multicolour raidiant light nectar pouring down
black oozing out the bottom
but the american buddhists...
damn me and all my judgements
damn christianity and all its judgements
damn buddhism and...
it's just the world
and i suppose someone's gotta be judgeing
and someone's gotta be loving
and... we're doing the best we can.