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Vertical Prose


October 27th, 2005

"i almost got ya!" ' yeah.. you almost did! ' @ 02:23 pm

last week..
what was it... Tuesday?

i went to meet up with this guy i met on line
you know the story..

it was last year sometime
his profile didn't say much about him
but his pictures were astoundingly hot to me
i emailed him a few times before i heard back
and when i did
he didn't say much
just
"you're hot, yeah, let's meet"

i made a point of making sure it happened this month that i've been back

went i went out to see him last week..
Friday i think it was

rainy
cold

deserted!
far out in brooklyn
far...
N train nearly to Coney Island
-- it's where he grew up.
polish/russian/jewish/irish? something like that

i got off the train and walked the short few blocks to his house
empty streets
i tagged a Hummer2
and a father was trying to make his child come inside
yelling
yelling louder
"GET THE FUCK INSIDE"

always makes me feel like a battered child when parents yell at their children
... especially fathers and sons...


so i was feeling vulnerable when i got to his house
... and the flashes of "Mysterious Skin" were pulsing through me

it occurred to me i had no idea who this guy was
and was he going to rape my ass?

i was terrified
lonely
cold..

he welcomed me in
in his wife beater
fu-man-chu

the TV was on
condoms
on
twinkies
with
crisco
sliding in and our
Mute

it made me shuffle.

i took my coat off and sat down next to him on the leather sofa

the art prints on the walls
dangling colourful things
jewish glass chachkas

who was this guy?

and smoking a joint with him didn't help

i started vocalizing my confusion
my concern

he played along: not telling me who he was
keeping secrets..
but letting me know
he could feel everything going on my body
and he was going to give me what i needed

i turned the TV off
when we got undressed

he told me he was born the Ideas of March

picese...

he layed his heavy body down on top of me
heat radiating into me
crushing me into the couch

weighing me down
placing me there
holding me there

he said
"i don't do this sort of thing... but it's what your body wants"

he could feel everything
and i could feel him feeling

and i could feel everything
and it made me want to cry
or run
or something
like i hadn't been feeling my body in months
or years
or forever
i don't remember
why not?

maybe it was just the marijuana with sex
which is always confounding to me

i called him a conundrum
he kept thinking i was insulting him
he was playing
with critisisms
telling me how i wasn't sucking dick right, etc...
letting me know i wasn't hot shit
bossing me around
making me serve him..
as i wanted to
but i was so emotionally confused
and the more i felt him
felt him feeling me
felt his responses to my feelings
i just flipped out
and desperately wanted to give myself over to him..

Ach!
"love"
that silly confusing thought...

it was alright
that night
we fit together
and he told me i was directing the show..

i felt like i did when i was riding those horses in mongoila:
this huge powerful beast could kill me in an instant
but was letting me be in control..

as much as i ever am.

...
when i left him at 6 am that day
the whole world was comming to light as i went to visit a friend in town from Istanbul
offering me a visit...

everything seemed pretty exciting

and i wrote him thanks
and felt such a strong pull to him.

and then i saw him again last night..

lots of TV
no pot
conversation
warmth
more training
critisim
cuddling

but i was still scared
this time
more scard of "falling in love"
in a stupid way

i noticed that my heart was free again
i have pulled it's roots in from the places i had planted it
it's mine
and i'm always aching to give it away..

so when i was having sex with him last night
i was careful not to let him inside
i guess
my body has always been smarter than i
-- if i fell in love now
i would just be distracted an mournful all month in CA and Peru

and what good would that do?

i still had a great time with him
but by the light of the morning
i just saw how incompatible we are

yeah

Friends
yeah...
Friends.

coz i need some friends

in this city...
what am i doing in this city?
 
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Comments

 
From:thewvfarm
Date:October 29th, 2005 02:19 pm (UTC)

From Walt in WV

(Link)
That really confused me. I imagined you were not one for online hookups, though there is nothing wrong with that. I think men make the mistake of connectiing FIRST sexually, when allowing sex to be the culmination of connection makes more sense. It is of course possible to make those sorts of preliminary connections online. I once flew off to Bosnia to meet a Psychiatrist in Sarajevo I'd talked to online and on the phone for more than a year. I think it took two days for me to figure out he was nuts, but I did meet a nice Italian Carabineiri named Paulo, and I fucked him on the ferry to Venice, and still adore him.
So, was Melin just the road to Paulo? Or a warning that what you haven't seen face to face may not be the face behind the picture, or the worrds?

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