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September 15th, 2005

notes - unfinished - @ 12:15 am

Current Music: Tori Amos - Tales Of A Librarian - Bonus DVD - Pretty Good Y-Tori Amos

----
it's been a long time since i've had sex with the same man so many times.

slept with the same man
night after night


it's been a long time...





i'd like to be alone now.

sleep alone now.





my teeth hurt

my breath tasted like Limburger yesterday




i want to cuddle
love
comfort
enjoy



but it's hot
sticky
-- i can't sleep
my body is sore
-- i'm tired.




i worry:
it's just the grass.




i'm terrified of the future!
i don't have any idea what a man i would live with would be like

i don't want to have sex anymore

please let me stop


i'm terrified.




i've been doing yoga a lot lately

you know
just since i've got here

i'm the Yogi
i am teaching him
i know more than they do
i know more than many people

blah blah blah
i'm terrified

i mean
i'm not in very good shape
when i got to the west coast
i was skinny

but isn't that what the east coast does to you?
isn't that what i wanted?
to be Tempered
to be hardened a bit
polished...

i got my beard trimmed
my hair trimmed

i was a bit thinner
they could all feel it


well
i'm fatter now
i've been under a lot of stress
the family
the patterns
the prospects

i pronounce such judgements
so simple
the chaos
the war
the death

blowing leaves: it's Autumn.


water collected in a red/orange/yellow/green leave
curled at the edges

stagnant pond
junkies

man walking his two little dogs:
see that little lamb run
bound along the waterside



lost somewhere
making phone calls


it's apparent that they are angry at me for abandoning their story
now they have nothing real to do with their lives!
and do i?

what am i doing?
what will i do?
what can i do?

find replacements for them?

get on with the Will of being gay?
buy things?
die?
get rich and old?
settle down?

what do i imagine is a possibility?



right now i'm tired
body's sore
from doing yoga
-- when i hadn't been
from not sleeping enough
having too much sex
taking on too much
being under stress

i just want to go home and rest

don't feel it calling to me
why don't i just stay here?

"now that you've found me"

breaks my heart. (where ever i left it)







fall back into my brother's arms (the water bed in the guest room)
the cat comes down and makes love to me
massaging my Hara with his paws
slight claws
then up to my neck
digging in further
like hypodermics administering some medicine
pushing hard against my lymph glands
pulsing
kissing my chin
then pumping my chest

looking for life.







i left because i've been looking for life
now i feel like i've lost it somewhere along the way





-0----------
we have
what some people refer to
as Love
for one another
---------------0
 
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