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September 29th, 2005

relationships and pain @ 01:00 am

Current Music: Black-Dove (January)-Tori Amos-From the Choirgirl Hotel

Man...
i love Yoga

to learn of how to use my body
how to be in my body
and then feel how my body gives to me
so happy to greet me again
as a friend


i love doing yoga with friends
to share that exstacy with them...

man
i've got so much sadness

we walked from yoga to a restaurant
and there were three men trying to suck us into theirs...
i dodged around
and went into the one we wanted

and it was excellent
they gave us three free apitizers!
and a small scoop of luscious mango icecream...

they knew what we wanted...

good good...

but our conversation...

he told me that he was in a closed relationship..
and three months ago we met and rolled around
and lifted eachother up
sweat dripping from every corner
laughing and licking and
conversation rolling out...

yeah
fine
but i don't want to be a part of anyone's lies..
especially not someone i'm creating love with..

so i told him i'd rather be a part of his life
be his friend
than have sex with him

oh
he was sad
i was sad
but that's what is...

and
i laughed
sharp like a knife
(he said)
i said
"i take what i can get"

and i have a glut of hot men who i can have hot sex with
and no affection
and no friendship

not OK with me
not nourishing..

on recipe doesn't work...
try another!

but we walked back to the apartment
and i had to be somewhere
but we were so tired
had to change clothes

so
naked
lying in bed

"this is such a bad idea"

-- i'd never say anything like that
and our arms and legs were draped over eachother
and he wanted to kiss me
but i kept my lips closed
yet when i curled up into his arms
with my head on his chest
i felt like i was breaking and everything in me wanted to cry out...

cry


but i didn't cry
that's not what i do
and it's not about him

he said
"you're a happy guy!"

yeah, i'm a happy guy
sure
but i'm also a pissed off guy
and a sad guy
and a funny guy

i'm a many-different-things guy.

so he asked me what i'm sad about
what i'm angry about

but those stories are old and tired

more
i expressed

i'm concerned with the fact that i have No Satisfying Relationships

i always feel ignored
or stifled
or bored
or some strange power dynamic that i don't want...


and i'm sure it's my fault
i'm sure i should understand
that This Type of Partnership
is based on a strange imbalance
CoDependDance

and i don't want that
i'm not ready for that

so i'm angry and sad
and i take what i can get

but i want more.


isn't that just me?
i've always been like that: always want more.

well
anyway
i felt like crying on his chest
but it wasn't about him not being able to have sex with me
or be open with me
or really
have me in his life
coz that's really it
i don't think he'll pull me through into his life

why?

i'm a fantasy.

don't want to burst that bubble..

--- i feel like everything i'm saying lately is UnFair.

i typed a long email to Eli last night
sad, angry, acusatory...
letting him off the hook
then jabbing him with it again

dumb: i didn't sent it.

but why bother?

these relationships..
they're like this
they will always be like this


what is it in me that believes that?

IT WILL ALWAYS BE THIS WAY!

when
of course
it will not
and is not.

it isn't!

not at all!

it's a million different ways
and it's shifting all the time


i don't have to go to another country to experience it different
i CAN
sure
but i can always find this there too...

and he agreed with me:
i just need to sit with it
sit with my pain
he said he'd hold me
let me cry it out

sit with the pain
and i'll see it's not all that big..
whatever it is


but i don't believe him.

no one ever sits with me.

not even me!

but what's not that big?
the whole world?
that's my sliver

but hey... it's also my silver.
 
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