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April 13th, 2004

I Wanna... ( in response to Nayland ) @ 10:23 pm

Current Mood: responsive and full
Current Music: cindy lauper - time after time

i wanted to respond to this post by Nayland...
but my response was too long
so i posted it in my journal
(ah, brevity is not my strong point... no need)
:


hmmm
i love this.
Today
my great-aunt Marlene died.
she was 68
and that's old for our family

she was about her right body weight

but smoked like a chimney and drank like a drunk

worked in a latino biker bar in detroit...

when my sister called today to tell me she'd "passed"
my first thought and comment was "Good for her"

i am always happy to hear someone i know has died.

i was told at a young age that they go someplace better than here
and though i love this world and everything
a lot of people are starving for life and suffering through what they have

it's alright
GO

that's what we're here for: we're here to Go

(wink)

now, Nayland, you can send me back that post i deleted, and i'll post it again

from the moment i heard of your gaining i saw it as a dangerous thing
as far as "health" and "life" is concerned

as i child
i was the only skinny kid in my family

they're all fat

and they drop like flies in their late 50's or early 60's
heart attacks, diabetes, strokes
YEAH!

but i was skinny
and grew up in indiana
i HATED fat people
they really bugged me...

especially my brother...

but anyway
as i got more into myself
and accepted myself for who i was
i started making friends with the fat kids
(this was round age 13)

at age 14
i had my first bear

a 31 year old
5'8"
160#
but mostly muscle
(covered with fur, but for his face)

so i thought i always liked muscle bears
but i seduced another teacher of mine when i lived in england
at age 17
and he was fat

we would joke about how he was a "creme puff"

and i just loved him

it didn't matter

but as i became more and more sexually active
i found i liked fat men so much more...

i would tell them many things:

"the soft and round is the archetype of the female... combined with the body hair and beard, as well as the general more masucline personality, a bear is both mother and father to me... as well as playful friend"

and

"well, if you had the choice of sharing your body with someone
would you rather do it with someone who hates their body
and starves it and pushes it against machines and shaves and waxes and drugs and all that shit?
or someone who obviously loves the sensual pleasures?
covered in a myriad of fine anntenae to feel all the pleasure
so evident in their voluptous bellies
from there succulent tastes adding to their jolly girth?"

i began to Love fat people

now it bothers me
to fetishize someone so much
i see myself do it so often
to pounce on some big fat guy
(the bears in brazil were all refering to themselves as Fat.. it helped me de-stygmatize the american meaning)
and love them for their size and weight

even if i would only love them Once...

for as AA brought up

i so often find hot fat men
who are just supressing all their feelings
they may enjoy the feeling of sugar on their toungue, sure
but no
not their deep rooted emotions
not even their present emotions
frustrating as all hell!

now, i can see why AA pointed that finger at you

you're Shy
(etc...)

but in MY experience with you
you were open and loving and forward enough
(well, after a few years and then some more months actually, hmmmmm)

but i have also always believed that an Artist willingly chooses to abstract and stuff his emotions one way or another
that surpession is also a way of digestion
gestation
so it can burst forth
no matter how brutal
into something more brutal to be shared with others more fully

everyone can go through life just feeling their emotions
but to be able to stop that water
take it in hand
and give it back to the world as a fountain
or an ice sculpture
or... landscaping

it's a gift

a gift we have to give.


so
as i said before
i wouldn't really mind if you die
i mean, it'd be great for you
but i believe it will happen in its time
i'm not really too worried
and in my desires,
i DO want to spend more time with you
so DON'T DIE YET!!

(wink)

now you are at another art piece
where you are closer to death...
you get to balance it and shape it
touch it
and sleep with it
breathe it everday

people have often asked me about all the beautiful people in brazil
apparently it's a cliche how beautiful they are
i can only respond
that
YES, they are beautiful
but only because of how desperate their lives are
how close they are to death at any moment
it is a luxury they do not have
that we suffer through greatly in this country
they cannot be abstracted and detatched from life too far
for at any turn
hunger or the hunger of another could put their life to a hasty Halt

it makes their souls burn brighter

and if bodies are anything
they are the material expression of our Souls...
so yes, their bodies so beautiful..

my body has always been my favourite art medium

though i am not pierced or tattoo'd...

i make love
and share that

letting others experience the lever we can be in our bodies together

( i have been feeling stifled, as you can tell, such all of my gushing here )

that morning at your house
my doing yoga naked in front of you was my way of not preaching
(as i am doing a bit here)
but just setting a good example

being in the body in a loveing sensual way
that IS healing
and healthy
and you can still be fat!
(i learned yoga from a bear and his wife)

but yes
gyms are a bore

dear
get out of that city
come up and walk the hills with me
lay your body down in the river
or the hot springs
let your skin get hot from the sun
barefoot on the sharp and loving ground
and turn on your head

"if you fall, i will catch you"

(laughs)
 
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