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September 6th, 2005

just something @ 01:21 am

the massage client was interesting

in the refrigeration of the AC
i was constantly hungry...
or was it something else?

and did i feel like i was teaching? growing?
was anything good happening?

i can only hope so
but i was feeling despondant
i was feeling sad
was i the TV?

was it the Suburbs?

or the closet? (albeit Large and Decorated...)

was it the dog?

i left there sunday morning
gave another massage (imbalanced)
and then headed to see my friend Charles

only there a half hour
and out to the Bar

NuTown

well
sweet people
and everyone was in love
and there was this over-all talk of Isolation...

beautiful kids! beautiful bears... beautiful black men dancing with me
all sorts of grabbing and swining and hopes..
well
met this sweet military daddy who took me out to his big Suburban..

the dirt
the desert

all the misters
the water spraying into the air
the flooded lawns

irrigation
the Desert!
what is this place?
the history here

yearning for community
i felt bad that i left charles to go see Sandy
but i hadn't seen him in 5 years, nearly 6
and i had a good time with him back then..

should i tell the story?

sorry
i'm just glossing over things

i'm tired here
been tired the whole time..
like in Florida?
this heat? or all the air conditioning...

such sadness
fear, maybe
hiding from people
the car ride out here
at 100 mph
(serious)
these two sweet men turned into raging assholes
shouting at every one in the meanest of ways
manic misogyny
made me retreat into myself

so now where am i?
floating in some back street in phx now
i'm flying back to indiana tomorrow
and is that a good thing?
some feeling...
just like a lot of work
but...
but...
i'm heading back to New York
and that makes me happy
-- i've commited to seeing my friend in Columbus
but damn
i'm happy to be heading back to New York...

though i have no idea where i am right now
nor where i belong
i hope that changes when i get home..
i hope it's Home...
 
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