an old friend of mine lives in Prague now.
in the way that i met him to have sex with him
and our relationship changed
to teaching him about yoga and giving him massages
to remembering sexuality
to and intimacy through distance we only have through Friends
a Friend after the fact
a roll-switch we weren't expecting...
do we still want eachother for help and instruction? Yes.
do we still think of eachother lustily? Yes.
but we also hold eachother as anchors for some sort of pleasant memory
we want to find eachother and bouy ourselves near eachother to return to a happy time...
he lives in Prague now
and i'll visit him soon, i'm almost sure
i can feel the momentum pulling back to europe:
the Winter! the spring?
i wonder if he knows what the word "Litost" means...
i know he's studying Czech
but how quickly do we learn the intricate words that don't really relate to our own culture?
as i learned Saudade in Portuguese shortly after arriving
as it expressed something they often term as "untranslatable"
: the feeling we get from missing someone, a type of sadness
not necessarily lonley...
what is the word we would use in English?
Litost , apparently, is something similar
expressed as "Grief, sympathy, remorse, and an indefinable longing"
not necessarily applied to a person or relationship, but about one's whole life.
he said it's an emotion of Youth
what we use to justify terrible actions we inflict upon other people because of our own self misery
what we use to seek out love as the ultimate panacea...
sits a boy
a friend of my brother's...
he married a girl named "amanda" a few years ago
-- i know her: Blond hair, big eyes: loud mouth.
we were in high school together, she and he a year older.
their marriage lasted about two years
and was pretty traumatic
he has another girl from the same town
who did not go to our school
who has the same name, and blond hair (not quite as...)
not Such big eyes, not Such a loud mouth...
What can we do against our Patterns?
She's injured, his new Fiancee (yes, already)
and, thus, he needs to help her
both with Litost?
this amazing Amanda blond girl will somehow patch that feeling in him
as so many relationships
she gets into it
and says (through some action of God)
"if you want me to care-take your wounds... you must also do mine"
i've had a few lovers... and friends
that have typified our relationship at its start like this
"hello, i love you.. i'm very sick/injured-- please take care of me"
since i've been a "professional masseur" i have less of this... a lot less of this
-- as some psychic woman told me years ago
"we all have gifts... and we all have to use them... if you don't find a way to use them professionally for your own growth and income... you'll manifest needing to use it in your personal relationships... which almost always gets messy"
but i remember times i've asked this of people
and they have of me
drowning in Litost
we demand our lover be the panacea for our own self-misery...
and, because of how miserable we are...
and how our Litost is different than that of our lover (for their strengths to our weaknesses is how they can heal us)
we become increasingly angry when we see them accell and move freely in the places we are weak and broken...
. . .
i feel i recognize this very strongly as a motivation for "Love"
and i have denied that action/reaction for many years now
which leaves me wondering, often
when i get into relationships with people
Why and What are we to do?
how can we be useful for eachother?
how can our love actually pull us out that swamp?
create levees... install windmills... pump it out
enough sun to dry things a bit.. and create growth?
(even though surprise hurricanes will eventually come..)
i sludge along through the swamps on my own
hanging out with friends on hammocks
smoke a pipe
eat some berries
enjoy the company
and trudge off apart from eachother
wondering what we can do for ourselves
knowing one or the other of us strongly wants the help of the other...
but how to ask? and what for?
Youth... ah Youth...
until we're 40
until we're 56
until we're dead...