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August 25th, 2005

my sister [s] @ 03:35 pm

Current Mood: grrrr
Current Music: my sister { a thousand different artists }

i was just walking around naked outside in back yard
sat down on the wooden chair to eat the blue-berry desert with vanilla ice-cream
when the conversation from earlier today hit me:

my sister has changed her major in college many times
what do you want to do when you grow up?
-- she's just graduated... finally
she spent nearly two months in Belize this spring digging around the Mayan Ruins
she wanted to get into Phorenzic anthropology?
Dental Phroenzic anthropology..
something like that
but it seemed passionate

in the last few days she's told me she's going to be a Dental Hygenist (which is kinda in my dad's field... and it seems to make him happy)
because she knows she'll make money
to pay off her bills, support her dogs, etc...

but it's not her passion

my brother did this too..
though the major he was going for was "being Jack Kerouac"
to whatever extent he could acheive it
yet again
he had to pay his bills
and took a job he wasn't (and isn't: four years later and still doing it)
interested in
coz it pays...

and i am still hearing stories from full-grown men of the jobs they don't enjoy but have to do
WHY do we do this?

i don't fault my siblings (if you're reading this)
it just makes me sad that the world does this to us

whores to the dollar, to the debt

all balancing... dancing a way to make it work out.

for those of you who read this
and often read here
sorry i've not written
i've had lots of ideas
i've just not been focusing

mercury retrograde?

it's catching back up to speed
so the words are comming out again.

i'll try and back-date some writings soon

i'm indiana now
and heading up to michigan today
(and damnit! there's a nudist bear gathering about a half hour south of here and i only just found out about it after i made my plans to go north!)

so it {we,i} goes[s]
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[User Picture Icon]
Date:August 25th, 2005 08:53 pm (UTC)
I don't know you well. We've only spent a short time together and I've tried to keep up with your writing... Yet, there is a quality about you that I envy. I think it's your ability to see a path for yourself, your ability to live on the wind.

I would not be able to live as you do. I don't think it's a comparison about courage or rigor or vision. I think it's a difference in experience, processing, juggling passions.

Still, the questions you raise about economic compromise ar potent for me.

One of the reasons that I couldn't live as you do is access. There are conversations that I want, have wanted access to. More than that, there are conversations that I've wanted to sway. It required compromise with my "better" self.

It's a Faustian bargain, to be sure. You know enough to understand the way it's eaten my soul, damaged me. you know I'm shifting. Still, we shift in our own time.

To your sister, all I would say is that the long-term (and quite possibly short-term) economic game she is playing is silly. Forensic Anthropology is a break-through field right now and will open a lot more doors than dentistry. It's one of the academic places to be right now.

Not sure if this is useful.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:August 29th, 2005 05:44 am (UTC)
thanks Peter

-- peole often remind me that i'm not like everyone else
and i do my best not to hold anyone else to my self...

and i understand some of your own self-doubts and complaints
but i was still pretty impressed by you...

if i lived in that town
i would want to come over and have many more nights like the one we had.

-- i just sent an email to my sister and told her to come read this...
a community is the biggest help in anything... isn't it?

[User Picture Icon]
Date:August 29th, 2005 05:50 am (UTC)
you are welcome.

I hope my post didn't read "you're not like other people."
In fact, my thought is that you are -- just seeing the world through a lens
different from mine.

thanks, too, for your kind thougths about me.
they are reciprocated.

any you do need to come see Waterfire.
(no subject) - (Anonymous)
[User Picture Icon]
Date:August 29th, 2005 05:39 am (UTC)
certainly agreed, dear
you know
sometimes you're so close to it
it burns your nose...

they... we...
we're Young!

we'll be fine
everything will work out alright

but suffering through such dredgery...

maybe i'm just being dramatic
my brother has faith in himself
so i don't fear for him as much
-- which feels good to me

my sister is still stoned a lot
so it kinda worries me
but i have a type of faith in her too...

it's just...

you know, i'm like my mother: i worry about my kids.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:August 26th, 2005 04:44 pm (UTC)

Any self-aware person would question these things.

I don't know if any one here has watched the series "Dead Like Me" on Showtime but the main characther asks herself those kind of questions. Is what I do who I am? What do I want to remembered for? "the fact that I was a great filer?" Or do I want to be remembered for something greater then what it is that I do? What am I supposed to be doing? Do I have a greater purpose?

I think alot of people are not sure of why they are supposed to be doing on this planet, and I think it's very easy to do a job that you don't like while you contemplate what it is your supposed to be doing. But I realistically don't think enough people really do challenge themselves to find what their passions in life is. Like some of the other people replying here. I too struggle with the same question.

I have had the honor and blessing of running my own business for the last five years and it has been very spiritually liberating. But when I think about some of my recently discovered long term goals my business is not going to give me the success I need to obtain those goals, and I may need to take a freelance gig to get some income in. But I will actively choose not to become a victim to my debt. But I have a partner and I have to think about "our" future and my subzero credit rating could hurt "us" if we are doing financial things together.

Dominic, this is the way I look at it. I have my eyes on the prize and try to think with the end in mind. It has taken me a long time to actually come up with somethings that I wanted to acquire in my lifetime, and now I am willing to do what I need to do to accommadate those dreams. I am currently separated from my husband but I also have to think about us, and what I want for the future of the relationship. I enjoy traveling around the world and would love to do that with my husband.

I think some people get caught up in the little stuff and do take a look at the bigger picture and try to see how they fit into that. But I agree with you that I would still never take or stay at a job or do work that I had little to no passion for, I am just not wired like that, never was. I am an iconoclaust by nature and I need to carve out my own path, and feel that it is "my own".
[User Picture Icon]
Date:August 29th, 2005 05:57 am (UTC)

Re: Any self-aware person would question these things.

Well... she is... and she does...
like most Self Aware people
she takes a break from it
and... sometimes gets lost.

we all do..

during the conversation about the Dental Hygenist
even my father was telling her it was a job that had a quick Cap, as far as progression goes...
no real place to go
but quick good money if you can make it
and then just coast from there.

and this time with my brother has been good: he talks a lot about the process he's going through...
i don't really know what his ultimate vision is
but he doesn't either
it's fleshing out in a new way than it was last time he had a clear view of what he wanted it to be
--- but i have faith he has one
and he's only working through this "purgatory" as a way to get where he's going.

but the partnership thing is what's helping him do it, i think...

and that's what i hear from you
that i don't yet know...
how your husband motivates you to be greater than you are

i had that strongly for a year
but only a year
and even then
i didn't live with the guy... just loved him

you certainly seem like an interesting fellow i look forward to getting to know..

if i can ever manage to stay put in that city for longer than a week...

i've had dreams lately of sitting in my own apartment and reading a lot...

but it doesn't look like the place i'm living now...
so i'll have to start looking.

[User Picture Icon]
Date:August 27th, 2005 04:55 am (UTC)

"i was just walking around naked outside in back yard
sat down on the wooden chair to eat the blue-berry desert with vanilla ice-cream"

well for starters, that's a pretty big "why you are you & why I am me"
and I'll tell yah, it's nothing to do w/ not liking blueberries & ice-cream...
but hope the family fun's been going well and I'll look forward to hearing/reading from you
when youre back. (wherever-the-hell "back" means for dominic???)[grin]
[User Picture Icon]
Date:August 28th, 2005 08:50 am (UTC)
i try my utmost to not get in debt and then resort to doing a job rather than pursuing a career. that sucks that your family has had to do that, but we know they're not alone.

write whenever you want to, not because you have to. unless it's your career.

[User Picture Icon]
Date:August 29th, 2005 06:00 am (UTC)


that hit me...

something like that

it's just something i have to do

but when is it going to be something i give to people
instead of just share?
[User Picture Icon]
Date:September 5th, 2005 09:28 pm (UTC)
i guess when you make it a personal gift to them, bound somehow, stamped, and containing words for their eyes first.
Date:August 28th, 2005 05:44 pm (UTC)

naked in the backyard on the wooden blueberry bush called cream

I realy have nothing more to say than HIEDI!

I hope the rest of my life isn't about daddies,
although he seems to have a profound impact
on his children doesn't he?
I hope to hear from you soon.
"bronzehead of Iowa"....Tony

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