i was still sick
but it was only a day or two before i felt much better...
the hot springs had a lot to do with that...
we all went together on tuesday
and i was totally shot after the first dip in the hot water
fell asleep in the sun
everything just moved through me
waking up that first morning with the sun burning the trees: what a gorgeous sunrise...
then the the hot springs
and the greasy french loving in Leo's cooking
i felt so ... nurtured...
yet a bit OUT
my two friends were able to be playful/sexual
and my throat was still ripped up
and lips were still raw
so i had to wait...
and when Leo left Wednesday night
i declared a Fast
the next day N and i went to the Hot springs again
i ran into people i knew
N was annoyed
and i just took it in stride
these people are annoying..
but they are who's out here
they come from the midwest and dream their biggest dreams
talk of being possessed by Kali all the time
and ghost written novels
the hot springs
it's so beautiful
i didn't care
i just felt so good...
just felt so much better
and N cooked for me that last night of food
so nice to be nurtured by him as well
we slept together out under the stars
the Fasting (started on Friday, i guess)
also feels so good
the challenge of not eating
of wanting to share food with N
of wanting to eat!
everything becomes so scrumptious
yesterday we went into town
i drove him around kelseyville and lakeport
took him to the supermarket
where i was taunted by all the food
AND all the hot men
the farmers... the hunters
the guys from the trailer park
hot men here
but they'd kill me!
went and sat in the car...
that night (last night)
i went through many of the photographs...
lots of trash
quite a few files that weren't of me
but were Trevis's... maybe Sheridan's...
all those kids from highschool
the kids we used to be!
the kid i was...
even before that
stuff i must have stolen from my mother
5 years old
kids i've not talked to in years
kids i've grown apart from
all of them...
it made me feel really delicate
i tried to look up one on the internet
.. couldn't find him
i called trevis and left a message
letting him know i had all these photos that were his, now
and a journal...
did he want them?
just a voice mail.. with Morrissey singing "You Wonder How... We've Stayed alive til now...we'll let you know, oh, but only if... you're really interested"
and we talked for an hour or so
while he drove through LA
on his way to the Movies
we talked about relationships
what that means
i got to be honest about my anger with him
without being mean
i got to hear myself in compassion and friendliness
he complimented me on how good i was being to myself
protecting myself from him
it just left me feeling really crazy
i had to shake off after i got off the phone
run to a tree
and let it go
then have a conversation with nayland
in my strength
so scared as i can be...
but it's alright:
and i'm sad i'm not in New York now...
i miss it
and i won't be back for a month!
going through the past
plotting the future
wondering what to do
what is right...
knowing i have to make a new scenario for myself in the city
given myself the time already
now do it
so i have a new trellis to grow on
not just blow away from
so much yet to learn
Leo comes back tonight
and we head off to the city on Tuesday