i've arrived in portland.
here are a few notes from the last week:
the cell phone people are eating up the city...
there is a difference between public and private space
and when you're walking the streets
but when you're on the phone
-- as more and more people are on their cell phones all the time
they create bubbles of privacy around them (cone of silence!)
and eat up the city:
-- i stand on the street corners and count how many people are actaully present
it's usually only about 20%
the rest are on cell phones and ipods..
i quit my job last year
now i ride my bike around every day: make sure i see the river every day...
he's in an 18 year relationship
he talks about how much he loves him, and what a wonderful man he is
contrasted with his faults
his heart swings out like the wild tongue of a chameleon
he wants love
he wants play
it makes me tired: i want someone i can be present with.
On Monday i went to Robert Moses Beach with R.S.
it was all comfort and fun mixed with apprehension
kissing on the beach
eating black berries
sucking him off in the car
and the beautiful sunset...
all tempered by the fact that i am his mistress
and he cannot tell anyone in his life about me
sitting on the street here in portland
outside of starbucks
(no, i did not give them any money in any way: i'll post this when i get to Sheridan's house)
a group of street kids just ambled by
hey looked at me
but only glances...
two tables away from me is a Type 1 Standard Male guy reading the paper
one if the boys said
"hey! hey man! HEY!"
the Type 1 looked up
the kid gave him the hard rock symbol with his finger..
kids are so cute...
and a few moments ago
when i started typing
a whiny old lady moaned
"hey.. hey... can you help me? can you help me?"
i just said " no "
a little bit of pocket change
or even $100 bucks of mine
would not help her.
on wednesday i got a massage from AA
i'd been waiting for this for a while
not just because i wanted to meet him
but because i hardly ever get massaged
and it was high time!
over the last week or more
i've been going to sleep at 4 and waking at 8
and feeling very stressed...
the massage seemed really gentle...
yet a few hours later
i felt like it'd been hit by a truck
as the day went on
i got more spacey
and when i woke up yesterday morning
i had a big fever...
it's abated a bit now
but still here...
funny: last time i was in portland i had a fever the whole time
this time (being here only a day or two) i'm sure i will as well
when i got back from... where the fuck was i?
i didn't write about that yet, did i?
i went up to Ithaca with this kid i met at the garden
he said he was driving up and back
staying only two nights
--- sounded like it'd be a good trip
and i'd get to meet Dan ! (totemshaman)
i really wanted to meet dan
but more specifically
i wanted to talk with him about Peru
see if i should stay there longer than the three or so weeks i'll be there with Jim this November..
the drive up there was a bit crazy
we didn't leave til 11
kept taking wrong turns
and the kid wouldn't let me sleep in his car...
so we arrive at his parent's place three or so hours later
and i try and sleep on his floor...
but he wants the absinth...
so we go out side
and he starts a fire
and next thing ya know
two bottles of wine
all the absinth i had on me
and the sun is rising..
not to mention all the pot
and how he's tellling me he's been addicted to crack and crystal and sold acid and ate thousands of hits of the shit...
reminds me so strongly of Michael (?? InOvo...) from Little Rock...
as the sun rises
he takes us to a river
where we take off our clothes
and swim around naked
but i'm shot
the day is here
and i've been sleep deprived anyway...
there's a big protest going on trying to save the redbud woods on the cornel campus
and we get all caught up in that immediately...
it kinda strikes me as sad
mainly i feel that i don't want to get caught up with people like this who have obvious FBI records
(the cop walked up to my driver and called him by his birth name even though he only used a moniker.. "we know everything")
fucking police-state fears
and i don't want a police record
coz it will hamper me traveling to strange nations
which is much more important to me...
than saving a forest?
it's in the middle of a town on a campus
it'd be nice to save it
how often do the kids use it?
sure: a forest is much better than a parking lot
but it's not like Ithaca is NYC:
there are endless forests surrounding Ithaca
-- it's not such a big deal to me:
civilization is constantly destroying nature: that's how it works
fodder for it's engines...
so Dan picks me up
and we start talking
he's got a lot to say
so i mostly listen
but i fade fast
and must nap...
when i wake
he tells me and tells me
-- all in all
it lets me know something that i've been aware of acutely for the last few weeks:
(and aware of more generally for the last few years)
-- to achieve many things in life
you have to give them time
LOTS of time
not two weeks
not even three months
but a year or two or 5 or 20
give it time and space
hard to make friends and loves and all that stuff
when i'm flying over the surface of everything...
the next day we went hiking at an old quarry site
it was beautiful...
then they took me to eat at Moosewood Restaurant...
even though i had no strong associations with the place
i had a strong feeling to eat there
the food was good
but what was great was
these two beautiful boys walked in while i was eating
we made eye contact
then they ducked back inside...
a moment later
they came back out
and walked up to me and said
"hey--- were you in TN earlier this year?"
boom- short mountain.
they were looking for a naked place to swim after lunch
and that's what i wanted too...
so i decided to tag along!
as it came down to it
the more we talked
i decided to leave with them:
the people i had arrived with
had got arrested at the protest and now couldn't return to NYC
and these two kids i met were heading to Hillside campground
which i've been wanting to go to for years
and this weekend was Wrestling Weekend
which... i love
but more importantly
there was a guy from the bay area who was going to be there that i've wanted to meet for years
i left Dan and KP&ED drove us in their WV bus to a beautiful quarry lake/river
where we had adventure enough finding them
and then swimming
we climbed up the falls
then some locals arrived
ahhh, young straight boys
they jumped off the waterfall!
something like 20 feet...
and the water fall fell into a nitch about 10 feet deep in the rock, 8 feet wide
it was terrifying
but i did it!
lots of fun!
we swam around and played for an hour or so
then layed in the sun
then got on the road...
Hillside was beautiful
and ... i met a few beautiful people!
i did meet up with that hot guy from the bay area
and had lots of fun with him
did not sleep well..
the next morning
we headed out to the east!
they were going near boston:
i was going to see N dj at Bard...
when i got there
i was exhausted and burnt out
but had a nice dinner and a bit of a nap
couldn't get into the party at all..
felt like an outsider...
like in highschool
but even more:
i didn't belong here at all and didn't know anyone
so i mostly didn't dance
mostly just walked around campus
the next day
more of the same
and then went to catch a train down into the city
N got me a ride from one of the students to the train station (about 10 miles south of campus)
and when he dropped me off there
i didn't want to pay $33 to take the train...
poughkeepsie was only 20 miles away
and the ticket from there was only $13...
then went up to the ticket counter:
there was a big sign saying
"The 6 o'clock train is SOLD OUT and an hour and a half LATE"
i started walking.
i walked and walked
i walked and walked and walked
through the beautiful back roads
only a few cars
eventually i held my thumb out
mostly passed by
my client/friend/exchange that night called me and expressed concern that i was walking
as did N
and when i was on the phone
someone stopped to pick me up!
he drove me to the bigger road: route 9
and i walked south on that
and walked and walked
and held out my thumb
i came to Agar Tandori
odd: a little indian restaurant by the side of the road with nothing around it...
so i walked in and ordered some somosas and a mango lassi...
i stank of sweat from the road
carrying my back pack
i sat at the bar...
they gave me water..
then the owner came out and gave me a big plate of food
"here, we call this Chicken Biryani... it's on the house... enjoy it"
and what's more enjoyable than generosity?
did they give this to me because i looked like a wandering Sadu?
i was very grateful and ate up the whole plate
then they gave me the samosa and i headed out
they called back
and gave me the lassi
then i started walking.
a little bit of rain
but it was beautiful!
the beautiful sunset
i walked a lot as a kid
this is very good for me..
someone picked me up and took me to the train station in Poughkeepsie...
3 minutes before the train left
i got home and was very thankful..
in the morning
i took a shower
and noticed the tub was not draining
as the murky water filled up over my ankles
i was surprised
but went to pull the hair out of the drain...
... but it wasn't hair: it was bee's wax.
my lovely roommate had, somehow, filled the tub's drain with wax...
hot and sweaty in New York...
Yeah! Mercury went into retrograde that day (in Leo)
last shower i took there
had many massage clients over the week
and got progressively more tired
the sadness became very heavy
i started complaining about it
telling people how i felt un-loved
how i had no friends
frustrated with new york city...
when i got the massage a few days ago
AA told me my heart was like a walnut...
with a huge shell around it...
reminiscent of when Eli told me about my venus being in cancer:
my heart was like a crab
big scary pinchers!
but if did ever let anything in (or got smashed)
i was all a gushy mess in side...
kinda like an eclair..
maybe my heart opened?
the cell phone
it all hurt
and i just wanted to die
when i woke up with a fever yesterday
i prayed for it to finish me off...
but when N came over for lunch
i remembered, yet again, that it's not nice to just die on your friends...
an interesting thing on the client front:
i had my first "escort" client...
though, in all honesty, it wasn't all that different than my massage clients...
this guy had never had a massage before
so i said i'd start with that
and he was REALLY tight
he kept saying
"i've never felt this comfortable in my own skin"
and stuff like that
and after the massage
there was cuddling
(there's been lots of cuddling therapy lately)
there was orgasm on his part
and there was sleeping
yes... we slept a bit together...
he's got a beautiful face when it's relaxed and peaceful
it's amazing at how stress can distort people's features...
why don't we all get enough love?
obviously we keep ourselves from it
i'm in portland
there are beautiful people
eli just emailed me
i've not heard from him in over four months
hello mercury retrograde
i'm looking into heading down to the bay area
plane for about $123?
or renting a car and driving with kids?
i think the plane is the best idea
so i'm going to call my old manager from the bath house days
and have him come pick me up
and hang out with him for a while
off to SF