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March 26th, 2011

Ask me again @ 05:47 pm

in talking with Ian
him trying to convince me not to return to CA so soon
I felt a confident core that was not shaken by his attempts
but in battling it out
I said

I wish to complete this to break my addiction to the dying
beautiful
fat old men

loving only the grandpa
and the fat brother

Corey said
- you find imperfection sexy

but there is more to the weight of this
past lives
pact of brothers

- is he the body that contains all of me no longer useful?
indeed the act I need to strengthen my life is to let him die?
is that a cop out?
must I aide in his death to be complete?

but the impetus for this

I felt not returning to CA because I was sick is so incredibly childish:
my favourite trick as a kid
fooling my father and teachers
wringing love from my mother
to manifest illness to shirk my duties
how loathsome and tired

the sickness is a choice
even though I've got so lost in action as to forget the choosing

oh yes, brother
one of us needs to die
all we carry
Christianity
the weight of the world
incurable illnesses
unending judgements
unknowable truths
eternal duties
our tired bodies
we both want the same thing
we've both cone to the same conclusion
the only answer is Dying
but we're afraid...
or seduced by some delusional hope
that if we could just get out...
get out from under this weight
or certain parts of the weight
while keeping the glories
sterilizing the knowledge
expecting to keep the wisdom and blessings
if we could put it off
scapegoats
messiahs
if we could have our brother die for us carry our weight
under the sea
we could fly free

Liar
Frightened Fools
here we are

how do I release this delusion?
stop trying to kill you
to hide my shame
free me from my burden
all burned up with you

he and I
we're on equal footing
he's let me
and I've let him
he's just as anxious to have me die for him
the act he worships daily
having full faith I would return again
oh- neither of us wishes to return again
We would only agree to be Jesus if we wouldn't have to return again
but it's all or nothing
we're being quartered by these extremes

so caught up in the play...

how can we change the story?
who can we appeal to for help?
worshiping a known god... being a god... who can save us? virgin sacrifice?
the answer we know so well
will never work

still
I believe salvation lies in a different question




.iP
 
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