32.30 @ 05:13 am
the theme of annihilation is strong
my desire is not to be a mortmain slave Servant Of The Lord
but one that is 100% enlightened and aware
that's ego shit
god doesn't care how I serve him
I have to
it's what I am
and I have to do it anyway
I just feel my success relies not on money earned but consciousness attained
"nothing comes from nothing
because nothing ever does"
I do not know what my actions need to be
I know they are not in accord
"you don't have to believe your own stories"
and "it's just energy. what you do with it is up to you"
I told him my fears
he said "now don't pretend you're moral. abuse and exploitation are just part of the package. that's just an excuse. I don't even think you believe that anymore. what is it you are pretending to be afraid of to get out of being annihilated by the universe? it's not going to work."
I want to be a
I want to be
I want to be
on par with
where are we?
am I a part of We?
when can I stop worrying about
just be together?
I told a story of learning about Bhandas when I first started Yoga at 18
and found that I had been doing excessive mula bhanda excursuses since I was 13
which corresponds to the time I stopped wanting to be accepted by the group
pulled out into self isolation and confidence
cut off at the root
now the desire is to open the root
balance and clarity
as always I wonder
maybe that is not possible here
my significant Rahu energy keeps me delusional
but reminds mr I am an agent of decay
because nothing ever does