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June 14th, 2010

32.12 @ 03:47 am




talked with an old lover today
called an old friend I didn't reach
lots of dead air on the lines

I keep talking about enjoying this sickness
down time
isolation

before I went through puberty I was a total dork
though my heart despersately yearned for acceptance
most interraction was rife with pain
no one could be trusted
"friends" would turn on me to look better to more popular kids
my brother, certainly
my father, just because
(hey, ya gotta feel better than Someone...)
so despite my wishes
I often was alone
talking to trees
turtles
frogs

I was always confused by competition
to be better than someone
when I sometimes came across as smart at school
became better at video games than anyone else I knew
likewise with computers (a new technology at the time... I had Mercury
explaining everything to me)
eventually acting, singing, tuba playing

I couldn't help it really
anything I did
I would sometimes excell in
get lots of attention
praise
and scorn
I always felt bad at suceeding because of how obviously it hurt the
Loser I made
I'd been the Loser for so long
as I started to grow out of that role I was so careful
not to kick people as I passed them
to help them up if they thought to extend their arm up...

eventually I became desired
an aura of potential around me
high hopes
great expectations
...

I honestly feel that's fading now
as if I've conversed that I'm not up for the challenge
I really don't know what to do
which direction to push
it's not moving
and either I'm too meek or too lost
not sure of my path
or my destiny?worth?
mmmmm

so yeah, it's nice here in my solitude
I'vealways fantasized about being able to disappear
is that why I'm here?
to be a needle
in a hay-stack of needles?
I though I was coming here to hitch my inertia to a star and rocket
back into the world via sattelite!

twinkle twinkle, little star...

.iP

 
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