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April 24th, 2010

I say it three times @ 01:07 am




I say it three times

twice today
this time by fingers

I dip in and out of what level I'm existing on
(we all do, right?)
some transitions slide as a snake
some have jagged edges
some that catch me often are like this:

I always thought the character Satan was absurd
fiction like the Santa clause
some boogieman to step through when you got old enough
five thousand years? fifty?
I dunno, but I never thought he was real anyway
though he was often in my dreams
a character I must battle with my sexuality
who could seduce the other into giving up his soul?
to claim all his power, history, triumphs and failures
for many nights
I must do this battle to save my family, to save the hostages (there
would be terrorists, house jackers, kidnappers, taking over the school)
and we would start the courting
distraction
they would escape behind me
of course, I was the real prize anyway
and I lost
night after night
disappearing over the precipice
night after night
dissolving into
the darkess over the brink
fading to black..
or
the black of his hooves
of his horns
his tail
eye brows
pupils
the red of his phallus, scrotum
(where I keep my keys)




in time
I had learned so much from him
I started to beat him
take him into me

I could never tell if we just melded better because my skill increased
or because he possesed me
and I had become him
and could inhabit him as a reflection

but I wasn't scared of him
nor thought of him as something on this plane to contend with
(this?)

(-I was wrestling my teacher. born again baptist. he'd often mention
Satan. ejactulation deflation-)

of course
in philosophy
and psychic realms
I have encountered Evil
in so many conversations, movies, stories, paradigms people accept
unquestioningly as reality. archeatypes.

I always snag there
because I don't believe evil is Evil... so it's not evil... thus
doesn't work how others suppose it to

it took me a long time to
understand Intelligence
and that Order was
and intelligent
I started from believing in chaos
that was all
but met God and gods
saw the order in intelligence
and chaos became the solution
order dissipated into
soluble to dissolution

but thus
chaos to me is a lack of intelligence
as cold a lack of heat
not Evil
supposing Evil is an intelligence opposing order
I understand the position of The Other
opposition is fun
we all enjoy an audience
but it's not always a competition

I get tangled in the hairs I'm spilitting

is Evil just trying to do Good
with enough blind spots to eat its tail?
or is that the shape of Order entire?

that's the way I see it
mistakes made
or very clever tricks
to get away with the pleasures of excess
to believe in something to be afraid of
living the tail
ceaselessly chased by a fierce monster we must flea...

or am I naive?
is there an
intelligence that would happily destroy itself. or me... if it is
possible something could be truely entirely Other than what I am of...
why worry?

I don't.
I like it better that way.

still, I struggle
it's part of the fun
I can't see my other hand
slight
That's Entertainment

then that other snag
not too terribly common for me
yet gives me pause
how many spirits
gods
angels
aliens
are pulling strings
really
what am I driven by
pushed by
limited
to an intelligence?
another hierarchy
superceding the reality I can be aware of
(but when I find my way up the threads...)




.iP

 
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