?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Vertical Prose


January 12th, 2009

Alone/ly @ 09:30 pm

a writer reminded me today
that being in a boring place is EXCELLENT for writing
-- i got a lot of writing done in Indiana
and have done nearly none since i've returned

still: i've felt a strong presence since i've returned:
i'm Alone

i'm very accustomed to that
and the lack of it drives me crazy

when i was younger
i often wished for the Proper Friend
Lover
Mentor
something... a partner... Companion

but i traveled for 12 years
there was such intense loneliness in that
so often i felt my heart breaking
looking at the beauty of an ocean
or some huge wall in China
without that Lover with me
it all felt flat

still
experiencing majesty Alone is more comfortable and acceptable
than sharing it with someone i feel doesn't appreciate it

my Sickness
or
Disfunction
does not allow anyone to meet my standards
not anyone Real, i assume
so how could i ever enjoy Beauty with a Friend
knowing that his heart Resonates with Joy as mine does?
if not the same Joy as mine... then at least his own?
Joy in the experience we're having. Joy in the Joy i'm experiencing, and he separately.
my recent friend, i felt he was only ever happy at seeing me happy
not at all understanding what it was that made me blissful

and that feeing of being accompanied by someone who doesn't understand me
makes me feel much worse than Alone
but Lonely
and worse than that
Lonely and Occupied
which not only makes me feel Bored, but Trapped

thus... now i am Alone
i am not lonely
but i have noticed it a few times these last few days
the feeling of walking through tunnel
Alone
or seeing Slumdog Millionaire today
Alone
the sunset on the building outside the window
the plethora of beautiful men
the music in my head

i'm very Alone right now
and i figure it is because i'm not a likable person if spent too much time around
-- that is how i feel about most people, so i'm sure it's true of myself

still
i'm very grateful to be Alone
i feel Free
on my own Terms
and able to have experiences without the odd feeling of guilt that has been following me around when i felt so betrothed...

New Experiences. . .
i can tell he was an Anchor
one i fought too hard against
i suppose that is not the medicine i need...

yet i hope
in this freedom
i can come to peace with myself. . .

line from a book i'm reading:

"In the lifelong romance each man has with himself, he should know which vows he's sworn"
- from "The Gay Philosopher" by Edmund White
 
Share  |  |

Comments

 

Vertical Prose