what does that mean?
when I see his name
my heart aches
because he's someone who can take my shit
tells me to shut up
says all I want is to be annihilated
and he will teach me

and I yearn...

but I don't think that's really love
I think it's just the familiar taste of my wound
my fall-back kink

and even if I ever got it
for real
and all
it wouldn't really help
how could it?
I have to take the next breath anyway
me
I have to keep my heart beating
mine

for myself
I yearn...


.iP

you know
when the elevator door opens
and you expect a bloody dead body in there
falling out
or blocking the buttons...
just something else to deal with


.iP

I poured out the kombucha yesterday
made a strong black currant bottle
a strong chyavanprash
and a strong honey one
plus one bottle of raw

this morning I made brownies for the first time in my life
a pinch of cinnamon
a pinch of cardamom
a pinch of nutmeg
(much larger quantities really)
and green coconut oil cut with butter
candied ginger and walnuts

baked it in my cast iron skillet
really yummy

now we're on our way to Spa Castle

it's not as hard as I thought it'd be

.iP

because I told my friend I was stealing his pashmina
and put it on in the cold subway car
and noticed its beautiful quality
then realized a family of Indians were staring at me as if I were a saint
I took off my headphones to hear them
asked the girl to take my picture
jumped off at Jay street
but realized I could get Lemons if I stayed on til west 4th
so jumped back on
to wait after shopping

because I wanted to get some Chyavanprash for Leo
and this would be the best time
I got off at 2nd ave
with a feeling of propriety
and walked the streets with a powerful feeling of nostalgia
now closed out of this
which I never fit well anyway
I walked to the indian grocery on 1st near 6th and wandered

because I took a few drags

because I've been such a drag lately
and wish I could just lighten up

because my best friend is dying of liver cancer and there's nothing I can do

because i had more than a glass of wine at dinner
though I'd fasted all day
I wanted to show there was no hard feelings by staying to eat with them
even though I really wanted to rush home after teaching yoga
he paid me for both days today
usually just one
so I had an extra $100 in my wallet
which was buried under the three cloths my friend who always forgets things left at their house
I promised to fetch them for him
two sarongs and a pashmina

because I was jealous of my friend having a day full of loving
where I spent the night feeling put out
traveling too far
not sleeping enough
to have sex with someone I've closed my heart to
because I feel he abused me
because I loved the sex I had with him
and denied me steadily until I became dispassionate with him
and closed my heart
bit took his bait anyway and put myself out
then gave a massage the next day
feeling drained and fed upon
by a guy who said I presented myself as positive
but was just as negative and depressive as he was
but there I was
another $120 in my wallet

because I tried to be nice
and it was ok
but ate with him out of politeness
then felt too hot and heavy to enjoy being at Spa Castle fully
and felt spaced and tired from sex and sleep deprivation
we surfaced
and I wanted to make a phone call
but as soon as it was done
it jumped out of my pocket somehow
and cracked the glass on the front of the screen
I'd put $300 in my wallet in 50s to buy the new phone whenever they got one in
because I've been waiting for the white one
and they've been sold out since they went on sale
and they just announced the white one isn't being made coz it can't be perfect
just like that

because I touched my belt yesterday and thought about those biker wallets
and how a chain wallet would be nice when I replace this one

because I've been thinking of closing my account at bank of America and opening one at Chase anyway

because I saw a picture of myself today...
but where?
in my dreams?
one from before that German street parade I bought this one at
and I was still wearing the button coin purse I got in Peru
(that I lost one night in a cab in London while wearing pants, like these, without belt loops)

because I was wearing pants like this when my phone jumped out of the pocket
but not these...

because I was cleaning the house all day today
talking on the phone for hours
when he called
I called him a douchebag
coz he said he'd be over no later than two
and there it was
quarter to five
which I didn't notice
and was rushing
because I'm always late
so didn't change pants
just put my metrocard in my pocket and my wallet in my bag
my bag I got from my father
that I rarely ever zip up
because it's an old bag and the zippers are huge and stiff

because I always keep $100 in my wallet
no more, in case I lose it
so I won't lose very much
$40 hidden in the back
and I never really worry about losing it
because it's always on my belt

because if been thinking about him all day
for days
but
subliminally
so didn't notice
but he called me
and I felt like someone loved me
because I was so sad
under the full moon
and we were fighting
but we knew we liked to fight
and were talking
I was so insecure
I always am
scared and stupid
and he told me he'd teach me to be a slave
but I was.. am.. still all angry that I have to pay him to live me the way I've always wanted a friend to love me
I'm obviously not good enough
I feel
my love being worth little
money must accompany it

because the trains were full
and one door was jammed by two deformed adults in mechanized wheelchairs
the man constantly making jokes to offset his uncomfort and making fag jokes about a furry Dominican daddy
funny! ha!
but what a sorry lot in life
but one of my best friends here broke his nose yesterday
really, why would I complain?

because after paying for more than I had intended to get at the indian grocery store on 1st ave near 6th street
I tucked my wallet into my bag crammed with cloth
in a haze
and walked by a fruit stand thinking I should stop and get lemons
but walking on anyway
when turning on St Mark's I realized I was missing something
and reached into my bag to find my wallet gone
really gone
gone gone
over $500 gone
and my ID, driver's license from California
credit card and debit
EBT and 8gb flash stick
gone
a stack of my moo cards
if they'd want to return it
I walked my path
not even five minutes from when my wallet was last in my hand
it could have fallen out
but this is an area famous for junkies and thieves
of course I didn't find it
but was glad my metrocard was in my pocket
and what was left of my phone was still in my bag

because i looked up at the moon and asked "Why? WHY?"
and wondered
what is this luck?
and why do i have so much of it right now?

.iP

the little girl struggled with the drinking fountain
shattered husks of failed attempts confettied the ground as if a party had been happening
but she was almost done
holding a translucent plastic box nearly full already
she just needed one more
but these two bearded men approached
which unnerved her
causing the lip to slip
and water splash out in a rush

the big one was ravenously thirsty
the slim one looked her in the eye and asked if shed like help
she told him she was fine on her own
yet her body said
yes, please
he took the tiny yellow thing from her little hand
and deftly put it on the spout
started filling it
asking her how big she wanted it

slight
the big one told him his cousins called those half-filled little ones "squishes"
more fun
they don't explode so easily...

he tied it off and handed it to her
only then seeing her open her case
strange fluid jewels there
looking heavy and lugubrious
like his friend
he smiled at her
while the big one drank

they walked on
but the slim one stopped quick
finding what looked like an intact red one on the ground
he scurried back to the fountain and filled it
just to squishy level
tied it off
and ran to catch up the big one

it was leaking from a pin-prick
which he kept his finger over
holding it up to the light as he walked
imagining biting into it and tasting its superb cool juicy redness

the big one stopped at the next fountain
where the slim one played with him by letting the fruit leak out on his sandaled foot
the big one looked up
around
touching the fountain
puzzled
back to drink
again
they made eye contact
and laughed
and walked on through the sweltering day...

.iP

walking stick
stick being the size one hand can hold
usefully

balance
your imbalance
walk

.iP

momma died when we were real young
daddy and Jim and I had to take care of ourselves
daddy taught us hunting real young
but all the limitations over the years has made it harder to feed ourselves that way
daddy was real tough about that
making us have to kill our food when we were boys
skinning and roasting
now there are too many people with big houses and no trespassing signs
daddy's been dead a while now
we found he had some money when he died
which was real good for us
and all those years with just the three of us we got real stubborn and never really liked having a lady around the house
so it's just us two now and we come here for dinner a few times a week
it's a real good buffet
I like it a lot
an their homemade pies keep us both real happy
we're the luckiest guys alive
I'm glad we still got eachother..

.iP

a friend offered to take me for a Road Trip
... to Pittsburgh
to pick up some paintings he left there
and come right back.
we decided to make it an over-nighter

drove out yesterday (leaving around 1)
arrived around 10
but the whole city was sold out of hotel rooms
(we were shocked.. i thought the city was a dead horse)
it does look like a beautiful city, shame it looks like there are no people in it...
but there are many houses
many hills
mountains
trees
bridges

i imagine it to be like Portland Oregon
is there anything going on in Pittsburgh?

we didn't really try and find out
we round a hotel nearish the airport
with a taped-up carpet
and beds that inflated via remote control
.
.
.

we got the paintings this morning
drove back quickly afterwards
but seeing as it took is so long to get there
it took us even longer to return
involving lunch at a crazy local Buffet (with homemade pies! and gigantic people) playing a game of checkers at the CrackerBarrel
and going for a walk in the Delaware Water Gap
... i hadn't done that in a very long time
i have many memories of the area
and
this is the first time i've been there with a good camera

i love my new camera
and i love the forest there
it was so beautiful

i got high from the walk
the drive was great for a perspective shift
and his companionship and conversation also served for inspiration

i threw the pics from the forest up (and a biker on the road, ahhh)
and now i'm heading to sleep

every day is a new day

when I used to drive
Iyar a friend out here in Buttzville
I think he's dead now
and I haven't been here in years

but on our return route from Pittsburgh
I recommended we stop at the opening of the Appilacian Trail and hike for a bit

it is so beautiful
I'd love to come out here regularly
the air is so lush
moist
full of prana
green
gorgeous

I'm just thankful now
and feeling Gooood

(couldn't turn the air conditioner back on right away... I wanted some real wind... so wrapped my hair)

.iP

walk up this heavy day
see that sky through the cracks
climb our towers
look out over our world
that world
not the world we live in
here
but all that underneath us
what we'll never have

ours is better
up here
Mine
Ours
but I'll never get that
that hill over there...
what's in that green?
I wouldn't know by visiting
never know
never have it
but to live there
and a transplant is an always an Alien
that's bullshit Johnny
you can't ever belong there
that's why you gotta clone yourself with a local momma to male a new body
a new boy
a new man
who can grow up a part of those leafy valleys
know its caves and streams
salt marshes and antique stores!
and often look up at these towers
over here
and wonder what it'd be like...

what would it be like?

.iP

I keep feeling frustrated with talking about myself
blahblahblah
who the fuck cares?
me me me

apparently my iPhone agrees with me
I've used a iPhone for nearly three years and have never noticed this until the last few months:
Mist of the time I type "me" the iPhone auto-corrects it to "mr"

which is one of the factors that lead me to talking about other people (or trying to... pretending too)

how long has it been doing that and I didn't notice?
mostly the autocorrect is good
but the mr/me shit is driving mr fucking nuts

Argh!

I understand there is value in my conceited ramblings
that, though expressed through myself
I may be writing some things that resonate universally
but it's obviously time to come from another angle

"I gotta learn!"




.iP

I... uhhh
this train is so long
and this seat is so hard
I, uh....

I was seeing my daughter's son down today
at that place he works near all the queers
it's so nice to see him
every time I see him he's grown so much
I, uhhh
ummm

today I went to see my daughter at the restaurant
she didn't show up
she often doesn't
but I talked with Bobby though
for a while
I don't understand what leads him to live like that
when I was a kid
I... uhhhh

I,
I remember walking with my buddies
stealing fruit from the street vendors
giving it to my grandma
aaah...
I remember being out long after night fall
dancing with the ladies
throwing rocks at the lights
you know
walking at night
with your buddies
when you're young
looking at the signs
at the moon
at all the people
their lives...
we were only kids
fifteen or something
no idea what to do
what we could do
no idea yet
no concept of our power
oh...
what would you call it?
I don't know
but
you know
we'd hit a ball through a window
and feel the drama and shock
of it
you know
we'd get to breaking them on purpose
so
i remember one night
late
I couldn't go home
she made me crazy
and they were out dancing
I was carrying a bottle of soda I'd been drinking
sitting on the cement wall in the park
the light just glaring at me like that
I hardly thought about it
I had perfect aim, always playing ball in those days
the light just burst
and I was left in the dark
the nearest lamp flickering through the leaves a block away
such a shock
I felt really alone then...

I, uhhhhm
I think of that when I see the broken lamps now
when I was young and felt so alone
and now, I
I uh...

oh, did I miss my stop?

( he gets up and rushed to the door, his eyes darting... )

.iP

he's a man who has always had the gift of humor
never got bogged down in the seriousness of his obligations
being able to perform
and stay light hearted

perhaps that's how things get done
to find the joy in and around the tasks that need doing
and put just as much energy into them

making real work changes
working with heavy equipment
and still being very present with his men
of course, he feels better across from
them than with them
the jokes and story keep him in attention
and separate from The Guys
better at being friendly with them
than being with them

(oh, I don't have much creative energy left today... blew out twice and taught a yoga class... coming down from food and air conditioning and stoned... Oh No!! I started talking about myself and being a whiny white man! damn!
I really liked this picture and wanted to try..)

.iP

regardless of the opportunities offered us
we have found ways to make it work here
even if it's the same things we did at home
there are just so many more people here
potential for a dollar handed over

father hasn't got any paperwork
he hasn't got a choice
he can't do the physical work we do... when we get it
but he knows how to play more songs than I even know
and still loves singing
he gets dressed in his best clothes
this us his work
seeing as we don't have a restaurant here to regularly play in
we have all of these train cars
constantly
all day
as long as we can play
and stay on our feet
we at least get a dollar each per song
mostly
often more
and it really helps feed the rest of the family when we get home
and keeps the tequila flowing

this is really an amazing land of plenty...

.iP

we grew up here
saw the pavement changed
lost a cousin under the tires of a fast turning car
saw more than one father disappear into other houses
in other blocks
other boros

my uncle taught him how to open the hydrant when he was still too young to control it
but I'm glad he can do it now
make it look so easy
gives us a reason to all be together here

keeping cool
moms bitching
he's the only sexy one in the family
but I've had his brother a few times already

and her
she don't know what it's like...
I can't wait to grow up and get out of here
get with a man who can buy a house over in Jersey
somewhere nice
maybe Florida
I can't wait
when I turn 14 I'monna see if I can live with my tio
but today
it's good to keep cool
watching the kids playing

(what do I know...
I live around these people and can't seem to understand them at all)

.iP

you know the story

.iP

old man
me
tired old man
sleeping on the train
resting on my cane
eyes flickering closed and open
to look for stops
but conserve my waning energy

what was so easy in youth
has all fallen
now
I didn't need to bother then
and I certainly don't
now
but
now
I look and feel shabbier
shakier

the things I used to care about
most of them I don't anymore
I just want to get from where I've been
back to my place of comfort

I found this board on the street
it might be useful

it's cold in this car
oh, my knee hurts
my hands gripping each other
won't hold me up

I get off
at 190th street
but the gate is too heavy to push through
I'm glad that man helped me
no one else would
no one...

I'm no one anymore
disappearing as you walk by
thank you for remembering me for this moment

.iP

32
?

this time of meditation on myself
my actions
my thoughts and feelings

oh, have I?
I haven't even paid attention
I should look at it all now

Now
before that
I feel sick of myself
like my ego is useless

of course it's not
it is
in fact
less sick
in a wave
cycle
of entropy
more sick leading to death
later

now
just life

not depression
but
I want to not write about I
ok
but don't discount yourself
keep up the love

what does it feel like?

it feels good to feel
there is some pain and awkwardness
but mostly power and beauty
that's what it feels like

not bad
I was going to say
I don't like the choices I make
thus I gate myself
thus desire to negate myself
annihilate myself

but it's not the choices I make
it's my actions
yes
it's the choices I make
lost
out of control
where is this?

center
if I
could choose to come to center
with every breath
could I be at all?

my heart hurts here

.iP

this day started the same
ending last night at today's Dawn
watching horrible videos about the gulf oil spill
the history of the real Von Trapp family
and herbal ideas on how to euthanize my best friend who just got diagnosed with cancer...
when I woke this morning I continued in the same vein with some animal cruelty video

(shudder)

but today was different
I did mudra meditation in bed
which led to pushups and pull ups
making myself Indian leftovers
watching episode 4 of Heroes
which Felt inspiring
I went out to the beach again
but the sun was the star today
the sun and mulberries

I came home
showered
and began directly with the dishes
the laundry
and cleaning the bedroom

Daniel got here around 9:30
we didn't see any of the fireworks
though we tried
he and his friend Dan came back to my place for some sustenance
then we headed to the cave

five minutes from my door

apparently Indians used to live there
we spent a good while cleaning it
lots of broken glass
crack pipes
drug bags

we smudged it with mugwort from the riverside
filled it with smoke!
lay down a red sheet
three singing bowls
drum
digeridoo
recorder

the three of us
and salvia divinorum

it was the perfect ending to my birthday counting
and crystalized an idea I have to get out of myself with my postings, we'll see

( if you're interested, we recorded most of it. it's three and a half hours and is filled with some great conversations, music and screaming. mostly absurd. fill your space with the cave and spend the night with us... )

we got back to my place after 4
then set out to data transfer, studying (Daniel has a quiz) and tea
it's seven now
and I kinda have a full day ahead...
so I'll head to dreams for a while
maybe exhaustion will put me to sleep on time tonight

mars was so beautiful...
the moon conjunct Jupiter
so beautiful

thank you for all in existence
I'm grateful to be one of the caretakers
(even as an agent of entropy)

.iP

trouble settling down
agitated as hell
starting Wednesday with waking at 6
(hot, but disruptive)
my sleep has been totally fucked
after watching The Sound Of Music Friday night I got home at 5am
6 before I could sleep
when I woke today I was a wreck
jittery and displaced
the sink was filled with dishes
I couldn't bring myself to clean
or the laundry
or the bedroom
or anything anything
no focus for more than a moment
just backgammon and silverdaddies and detritus
no thought came to completion

days like this
happen

.iP

the theme of annihilation is strong
of course
my desire is not to be a mortmain slave Servant Of The Lord
but one that is 100% enlightened and aware

that's ego shit
god doesn't care how I serve him
I have to
it's what I am
and I have to do it anyway
I just feel my success relies not on money earned but consciousness attained

"nothing comes from nothing
because nothing ever does"

I do not know what my actions need to be
I know they are not in accord

she said
"you don't have to believe your own stories"
and "it's just energy. what you do with it is up to you"

I told him my fears
he said "now don't pretend you're moral. abuse and exploitation are just part of the package. that's just an excuse. I don't even think you believe that anymore. what is it you are pretending to be afraid of to get out of being annihilated by the universe? it's not going to work."

hollow bone

water fetcher
smokes roller
coffee maker
cane grabber

I want to be a
servant
I want to be
the daddy
I want to be
on par with

where are we?
am I a part of We?
when can I stop worrying about
I?
just be together?

I told a story of learning about Bhandas when I first started Yoga at 18
and found that I had been doing excessive mula bhanda excursuses since I was 13
which corresponds to the time I stopped wanting to be accepted by the group
pulled out into self isolation and confidence

cut off at the root
so yes
now the desire is to open the root
root down
in trust
balance and clarity
as always I wonder
maybe that is not possible here

my significant Rahu energy keeps me delusional
but reminds mr I am an agent of decay
chaos
nothing
because nothing ever does

.iP

I really really really need to sleep now

.iP

many months ago I bought an album from iTunes of traditional Mongolian music
in an aboriginal mood
went there to get a record of african music
found that

well
I've recently met this man that is mainly interested in ancient musics
he sings in languages I don't understand
in a braying voice
indicative of an entirely different purpose of music

my gigantic bloated music library has been offering up its children that can dance with him
I've been listening to music from along the Silk Road
which I have been loving
but today...
(maybe because I'm operating on three hours sleep, just ate a heavy meal after teaching yoga...)
the Mongolian music touched me in a way that the others haven't

I remember the van
endlessly jostling us across the steppes
the green in every direction
those faces like masks of leather
wind blown

a strange nostalgia
for traveling?
for a leg of a journey?
for a culture like none I've ever seen elsewhere?

today I went to the King Tut Discovery exhibit
it was kinda like a Ripley's museum
Times Square
what else could be expected

but really...
it made me want to research those old gods
to walk that valley of kings
feel the banks of the Nile...

I doubt my yearning is just about my not traveling
the world is so great and fascinating
there is so much more to see
(than this)

(I wonder yet what I am doing here)

(is my hair getting too thin?)

(shouldn't I just cave in?)

I'm still wrestling...

.iP