in our days if celebrity
15 seconds
own home pages
fans
stalkers
readers we'll never meet
the art of being
these days
may just be
the ability to create an adequate
Testament of Self

perhaps I just think this because it is what I have come to do so much of
pages of photos of me
writings of my thoughts
even my voice
saying little things
in my little voices throught time...
videos of me talking! excercising! fucking!
of course!
and singing songs...

just being...
I Was Here!
This Is How I Did IT!


i write this to you know
because I want to walk through the house of you
I want to read the words of your beliefs
see all your favourite pictures you've taken
and those taken of you...
your particularily fine fuck flicks
and your self indulgent musings into the lense

do you have this somewhere?

is it far too crass?

( I wrote this to someone I've never met, but on the net... a testament to my own ability to become fascinated with people again... which it seems I had lost for a while )

there is actually a can manufacturer who puts transformer logos on
their cars?
nj plates..

the love story

it doesn't matter if you have a wife
or a guy you've lived with for 19 years
it seems the most marketable
ahhhhh, hooking
sticky
yearning
tasty
sugarylump of item-to-share
is the Love Story.

i remember when i was 14
i forbade myself from listening to any more love stories (is that true? it must have been 18)

i remember when i was 18
i met her in a dark alleyway
after staying up all night
it was actually the back of the apartment building
cold dark brick in every directions
eyes burning, throat sore
crystal meth and bossy film maker
up all night
all night in a new huge thumping city
the heat yet to bowl us all over
and he walked in
his eyes like two fucking spoons to dig into me and cut out my heart
who created some silliness with me
then took me by the hand
into the park
but not through a door
over a wall
and up a huge cliff!
A HUGE CLIFF
as any rock in central park can become
when it's a love story

the sky opened up
the birds gave us presents
we never slept again
and in my mind
i could only sleep with him

no
it wasn't sex
it was purer than that
only love
only brother
only sister and mother
this kid was my soul
my mate
we were together in a way no others were
(they way we all are, they way we all dream about being)
he seeing all of my posing
my poetics
my tragedy
in fact high-lighting places i'd been un-aware of
to make my darkers more dark
to make my story more tight
more pull
more love
as my broke heart limped along
only 19 years old and already a cripple
born like that, really
raised like that
malnourished on sugar crystals
and a father who's always gone
and doesn't know how to hug when he's there

the tension, the un-attainable
he wanted me to be his wife
or husband
it's the only way i could see it
he was always a woman to me
his lithe beautiful body
his hurtful, insightful words
the only story we knew was the love story


and i can't hold onto that
my eyes make contact
and my fingers go slack

why do this again?
i'm not kidding

he's in a loveless loveful marriage of constant bickering and couples therapy now
he's so happy. so stable. so fucking shut me off.
all of my love stories have come to ground
far from port
broken little ships
with only one captain on them
or only one passenger
maybe i wasn't steering enough?
along for the ride
hoping everything would be better when we reach the other side
but i've always been crashing on the same shore i'm pushing off from


ugh
so tired of it
i always try to forget

more love stories
more love stories.

When I was last in California
I found these old glasses in the stuff I was going through
I think I got them when I was 14...
Maybe 13?
I think these are my first pair...
Maybe second?
I don't remember
But they fit my face terribly
At least with my hair up...
Imagine how bad they must have looked back then...

I just put them on in the train to look at a cute guy 20ft away
Another cute guy just sat down in front of me

I'm surprised the glasses still work for me
But they do
My prescription is slight
And I've not worn glasses with any regularity since 1999
So I certainly don't Need them
But it is nice to see some more clarity and detail sometimes

So I'm carrying them around with me
Until I break them, lose them
Or get a new pair

Excellent new friends I'm living with

My timing is all off
All appointments have fallen through
Lines gone dead

Said it was going to rain today
But was sunny when I woke
So went out to the nude beach
With nothing else to do and feeling like *excrement*
I thought I'd stay til it clouded over
Which it never did
So I'm burned all over

Got a room for myself in a flea bag hotel
Close to everything down town though
Nicely located
But dirty dirty dirty
Apocolyptic
$80 for two nights
...s'ok.

Hopefully things will fare better tomorrow
Now
I'm going to go get a beer

Canada seems so much closer to Europe

Why is that?

on sunday
walking through central park
after rowing around in the boat
we saw a few men with snakes
three, i think:
a little one, and two large ones
the yellow and white (6 feet?)
and a "king boa" (danny called him, about 7 feet, so thick...)
the brown one was on the ground
docile
until i searched out its head with my eyes
and it lifted up off the grass
moving towards me
tongue flicking

the men moved to ready
i got on my knees
and pet under neath its chin
down. . .


in my dreams last night
snakes
somewhere i was
small black snakes everywhere...
wasn't worried, of course
but
upon trying to leave a certain area
huge ones came up
lifting off the ground
rearing their heads back
and bright read organelles came out of their "ears", feathered
what?

later(another dream)
we were checking into the hotel
and were on the guest list there, given wrist bands to the festival
what time was it already? had i already missed the show?
too late.



in my waning manic/depressive ways
i have to say that
getting enough sleep, though keeping me balanced, certainly doesn't bring me much joy.

last night i found out that Apostle of Hustle were playing at a book release party for the Broken Social Scene
some other A&C bands as well, and surprise special guests

i went to the venue after a client (odd client, but then. . . )
raining
nice walk
but when i got there
man at the door said " no tickets for sale, only on the list or with special wrist bands "
i searched on line
and asked people IN the line
no avail
but i told them all (even as many of them were turned away)
that i wasn't going to give up that easily

see some of the broken social scene on their turf! what luck!
i stood on the other side of the door from the line
there was the bassist for the apostle of hustle
cute little chubby guy with long hair
smoking
we made eye contact
-- we'd talked once outside of the Mercury Lounge
-- i'd hugged him (thinking that was the wrong thing to do as i did it, but it's how i am)
there he was, standing next to a blond chick with bright pink toenails

oh, if only i had bright pink toe nails, a jean mini skirt and long straight blonde hair...
if Kevin Drew were here i could...
and out walks Kevin Drew
not "on stage" presence
he looked like he was just quietly playing it down
and i just stood there staring at him
brief glance (of course i stand out anywhere)
not exactly on the same wave as these hipster kids
but there i was

and i didn't want to be a pushy american
too late
too late

they all went back inside
and i turned to go down the street
up Yonge again
and saw a storefront for a radio station advertising that music festival
so i went in an asked them if they knew anything about the show
a girl said "oh, i'm sure someone from the broken social scene is riding around town on a bike right now, there's like 20 kids in that band"
i told her i saw kevin drew
she said "you should have just asked him"
i told her i didn't want to be an annoying fan
she said "you should have, he wouldn't have minded"

i should have
but
opportunity missed
i went back to the hotel
and Steve is not a party animal
living up the arctic as he does
he was in with fish and chips
i read him yesterdays journal entry
and he was asleep by the end

so instead of going out to the bars
i decided: 11pm already
i should just sleep on this cool rainy night

Steve can't sleep with out noise
so i put on Music for Airports on the bed-side iPod docked radio
then put on ocean wave sounds from the White Noise program on my iPhone
slept
slept
with many dreams
woke at 7:30 am
airports... waves...
strange feeling like i was missing something. . .
i wish i were home so i could go through my books
be there to receive my packages
i wish something. . .

Yeah... even with a digital roaming package
i'm shocked at how much data is being transfered
i paid $20 for 20 Megabites
at their regular international roaming rate
it'd be $20 a megabite if i hadn't.
even saying that, i used 1 MB in ten minutes yesterday
so i shut off the roaming and am using the copious free wifi spots around the city

the city...

( i recount my first visit here when i was 8 )

when i arrived yesterday
i was exhausted
standard for me: not sleeping while i'm traveling
i jumped off the airport shuttle bus down at the water's edge
and thought about taking the ferry to wherever it would go
only $6.50, maybe i could see the city well from that perspective?

but the city looked too small to bother seeing from a distance like that
and i was honestly too tired to go tramping about on an island i knew nothing about
when i had this whole city to tramp around in

honestly
i was seduced by the people on the hill

there were two gentle slopes by the ferry port
with people laying half-clothed all over them in the sun

i joined them.
my body melted in the sun
and i napped for a half hour or something
when i woke
snapped some pictures
and i was shocked by the dandelions and clover in the grass
i kept wondering what was so odd about it...
and realized that most everywhere in the USA they spray the shit out of all the lawns
"sterilize it" in our weird puritanical way
all the little clover tops looked beautiful
i took a picture
and got dressed
headed on to walk through the city

i was quite shocked by all the people once i passed the freeway
the two blocks before i suspected Toronto was just like any other city in the midwest:
former glories now abandoned to the suburbs
(by the ferry port, there were signs for things, stands, a box office... all abandoned in the shoddiest of ways)
but when i crossed under the freeway there were THRONGS
of all colors and languages too
i wondered if they were coming from a parade?
it was about 4pm... i guess they were just coming from work
and there were some really beautiful buildings
the huge older ones
and even some of the more contemporary architecture was fascinating to look at

there were hot dogs stands everywhere, like in new york
but here there was about 10 condiments laid out with little spoons in them (wouldn't fly in germ-paranoid US) and five choices of dogs (beef, veggie, polish, italian, german)
and "cold pop"
POP!
i got an italian sausage and put a few things on it (spicy)
being sleep deprived i was afraid it would make me tired
but didn't.

i wandered up Yonge street mostly
til i got to Dundas square
then walked through the little university
then over the church...

i know it's Pride time
but this is really an amazing gayborhood
it knocks The Castro out of the water as far as i'm concrned
all of these bars as shops so close to eachother
for many blocks
flags everywhere
huge painting of cowboys holding hands

i found myself shocked to glee
peered into various bars
and saw a big bare belly through the bars of the black eagle
so popped in and chatted with the three people in there (including the bar-tender)
the hairy one told me about the place:
it has a grand-fathered law that allows it to have a legal functioning "back room"
i took a tour
it was HUGE!
and another upstairs bar and outside patio for smoking
i was going to hurry on, because i was pretty sure my friend Steve had arrived (it was almost 6)
but he offered to buy me a drink, so i thought to stay and chat.

he told me that the bar i went to as a kid was probably Buddies and... (something) up on Bloor. it's closed now, turned in a Hotel.
that makes more sense.
i couldn't imagine how my parents could have NOT known this was a gay neighborhood...
but 20 years ago it was probably very different
up on Bloor it wouldn't have looked so gay, not even now i'm sure it doesn't

surely enough
half way through my drink, Steve called
(with sleep deprivation i went for a Vodka-Redbull... but got a cheaper pre-mixed version called "REV")
so i was all hopped up and loose when i got to the hotel

we spent quite a few hours in bed
went out to eat (he lives up north in the North West Territories, 800Kms north even of Yellowknife)
and is a meat an potatoes guy
we had Thai in new york, he'd never had that before (i think he's in his 60s? late 50s... something)
we had Shawarma here and he was shocked by all the spices in it
it was burning in his mouth
i offered him my Ayran, because milk cuts spice better than water (which often makes it worse)
and he balked at the sour taste

i'm a culinary adventeror too... i'm always surprised at this
but he was alright (except for some pain he was having in his nuts because he'd not emptied them when we were playing before)
we walked around a bit
i love the blend of upscale shopping
next to lowly discount places
next to huge strip club/whore house looking places
next to a mall, next to a public square

all of that shit is ghettoized in the US
isn't it?

it seems so different here

after living in NY
everything everywhere else seems so small
and not real, somehow, like a stage set
and though i had this feeling for a while here
it very quickly fit itself over me like a comfy shirt
i'm very enamoured with the city.

back at the hotel
we played some more
(being a good friend, i helped him relieve his excess tensions)
and they lay in bed and talked

i was quite surprised
-- many times in my life i've heard people say to me
"i've never told anyone this before"
but i don't remember the last time i ever said that

til last night.
( then i type out lots of stuff that's not about what's happening right now )
but i slept well
still tired, groggy
"waking up and getting up have never been easy"
he's out now trying to get his phone fixed
now that i've written this all out
i'll go find him.

I love Toronto
I want to live here forever


(slapphappy)

For those of you who may be worrying about my Data Whoredom:

Worry Not.

I bought a discount package for the trip
And am monitoring it closely.
:
:
:
Sent from an iPhone

For many years
I always had a
Bear Coin on me

For making decisions
And as a charm


That was several years ago...

Just got one

(everywhere)

Beautiful, going out over that levee thing to Broad Channel
I've not yet been to Far Rockaway
I'll have to do that
On purpose
Sometime

When I arrived
Checked in
The woman said
"Don't rush. Your gate is 31E, just around the corner"

I took it easy...
But it was ABSOLUTELY the farthest gate possible in the terminal.

I hope to sleep on the flight.

>

> Ok ok ok
> i felt like i had to DO something
> with all my sloth
>
> i went out and planted some plants
> oiled my shoes
> cutting new tongues for them
> did some laundry
> looked through all the pictures we took yesterday
> made selections
> and uploaded them
>
> here is the link:
>
> http://flickr.com/gp/dominicvine/2269Zm
>
>
> love ya
>
> .d
>

On the way to JFK
I got distracted
I was on time
So not super late like I always am
( like I am now )
Hopefully I'll make it in time...

Birds washing
In puddles
Kept by Rocks

Goodnight

But this one's better

Sent from an iPhone

Going down the middle
Til we find a place to sunbathe in the Rambles

Sent from an iPhone

St Nicholas and 146