but back stage
we're shuffling the decks

I'm desperate here
I should have mentioned

I didn't know
I was standing on the shore today

the waves were high
I saw a broken old raft

I clambered over the rough granite
barefoot in the hot sun

a rope had it stuck under deep rocks
it was close enough for me to jump on

I swayed with the waves
avoiding splinters and upturned nails

I swayed with the waves
and imagined pushing out to sea

with one good friend
or alone

where would we go?
it was only later I considered

what to eat? to drink?
how to steer?

so attractive
helpless on the ocean

floating away from any possibility
of destruction or salvation

.iP

the Islamic takeover of the world

so
my client today told meson faction of Islam in Denmark told the government that in 30 yearstgey would control the Danish government simply because they are reproducing more and will have a substantial percentage of the vote in order to get whatever they want
he said
"it's already happened in Amsterdam: two gays were just killed my Muslims. they're taking over"

yeah, and soon all women will have to wear burkahs

yesterday
in an SUV driving along the east side highway
with the most adorable orthodox Jewish guy I met at the tenth street baths years ago
listening to Savage Nation
I could hear Michael's spit through the speakers
he ranted like a rabid dog
insane ignorant garbage
declaring the American sale of billions of dollars of fuel to Israel a hopeful attempt to overthrow the "evil ruler" of Iran
so all of the women there could throw off their burkahs and be free
and what
be raped?
will an equal measure of war save women in this country from wearing dangerous high heals and dressing like prepubescent sex objects?
a confusion, I'm sure, between fashion and culture
oh, and perspective

yes
the whites aren't populating enough
in thirty years time
our minority will be too stark to ignore
we're afraid
afraid of dying
afraid of living
afraid of live
afraid of sex
our own bodies
betrayed by our weakness
sicking all the villains we've created in the brown people we've abused in recent history after us
but it's not retribution
it's just history telling itself
why shouldn't Islam have it's turn?
what modicum of horrors did "Christianity" inflict on every culture it could lay it's greedy grimy paws on?
how much was destroyed and abused in the name of God?
a god we don't even know the name of...
at least Muslims have a hundred names of his beauty
and wear great beards

time time time
two thousand years of slavery and abuse
passing on the baton

it's not like our culture is all that great
or sacred
torturing countless women and children in my short life time
so we can drive our big cars
and buy our scads of cheap crap at walmart et al

I don't mean to be a misanthrope
but it's the gobo I see the light of humanity through

all's fair in the human story
and what turns over in the next hundred
or thousand years
will have its turn as well

til the next great driver is ready to take the wheel

they'll learn how to love, I'm sure
civil rights movements all over again
a new version of the modern women
a new version of the sacred homosexual a new version of the liberated (humbled) white man
everything will almost fall into place
with the minor sadness of a large percentage of the planet becoming uninhabitable
but it will almost be good again
almost

then the aliens will come
or leviathan
or the Tao
and turn it all over

we'll keep spinning right along
yeah
it's alright

while you're waiting
your could buy the new album by
of Montreal
False Priest
think about sex
and laugh about it all
while dancing

.iP

green pants
nineteen seventies
in his sixties
healthy
but drinks snapple
glasses, he may have borders David Byrne's hair
a polyester sports style bag
though
he's dressed for something else tonight
and sitting behind him at 90°
a short woman
who's feet barely reach the floor
pale plumpy short legs
skin sandals
blending into the dirtesque flooring
her skirt matches the era
with flowers printed in oranges and pinks
topped with a red blouse a color Izod would have used
her hair is dreaming of Mama Cass

the orange and yellow seats as a background creates a relationship with the woman in purple
oh that was just her bag
she's also reminiscing of sports tonight with her tight black pants to the knee and her loose navy t-shirt
terrible white tennis shoes on
but they feel like they may actually have a use
instead of some half assed boring blank attempt at masculine virility
like the hair style she got from Ellen...
that's the only color that's out of place

.iP

the feeling of obligation
rare for such a slacker as myself
precious
even when pathetic

some guy
whatever
some guy who wants me to drain him
gives me direction
asks me to come over
to Jersey City

I live here
and the longer I live here
the more it seeps into me
everything that's supposed to be
the beliefs we can all agree on

scared of the black man?
the African man
the Orishas
how did they become scary?
(again)

Jersey
second rate
trash
body storage units
America

I often joke about
(jokes are only funny when they're true)
I live in manhattan
because it's an island off the coast of America
a river separates me from Anywhere, USA

the wind blowing through the PATH tunnels made me feel strange
and waiting forever for those trains
traveling to distant lands

coming up on wide empty city streets
too wide
too empty
no life, no character

crossing over
through the mall
as he suggested
odd
to be in an American mall
at night
empty
Anywhere shops all shut tight
not a person to be seen

lots of signs for restrooms on the third floor
so I took the slow elevator up
though the toilets were empty
there were Caution: Wet Floor signs
and empty mop buckets in the middle of the floor

and signs everywhere: "Circle of Respect: if you see something suspicious text ______ to..."
"crime watchers" for cock suckers

America

I took the escalators down
kept snaking through the horrible empty building
why do they leave these open?
and no one breaks shit?
amazing.

I escaped through an emergency exit in the parking garage
and ambled down Eighth as it started to rain

small parks
niceish buildings
vinyl siding
a crotch that smells of piss
and even if he's from a royal family
why is he living in Jersey?
font have to try so hard
it's Almost As Good

I wasn't going to sleep there
I set out to walk through the streets
looking much more New Englandish than New York does
down diagonal Newark street
glad I was out so late anyway
to see the clouds calm down
release their grip on the moon
let her shine
shine on me
in this old city

I talked with Leo
ailing friend
too exhausted to...

and waiting for an hour at the mouth of the tunnel
the wind blowing by me
had to go to Hoboken anyway
and there got on three men
two very drunk looking irish men
old and haggard
sweet
smiling and laughing
sitting across from eachother
some distance

waiting there
the last man got on
also drunk
probably Dominican
he talked at me
I was watching Heroes
the Irish eyes smiled at me
I could not help but glance up
one too many times
and the Dominican caught my eye
got up
came over to me
I took off my headphones
he told me he loved me
son of god
Jesus
loves us
he took my hands
he kissed them
he hugged me
he kissed my face
sat next to me
held me
pulled my head, gently
to his lap
stroked my hair
told me I was loved

I asked him where he was going
like "Washington heights?"
he answered "home to my wife"
and the door opened on Christopher street

I hesitated
but felt if had enough
almost my fantasy of all strangers loving eachother
cuddling with unknowns on the train
letting this go on any longer would ruin it for sure
so I dashed out of the train
through that windy tunnel
walking down the empty streets
at 3am
not too empty
feeling more like I was in the right place
almost getting what I want
I'm suspicious of something so close
he was just drunk
the wind is just wind
I'm back where I belong
and when I got off the 1 train in my neighborhood
the moon was bright upon me
4am
the sky was clear
I stood on the corner and watched for a while
bathing
then walking up the hill home
it was easy to sleep that night
having sufficiently exhausted myself...

.iP

"
this instrument
like this world
was not perfect when I got here
my mistake
to believe it can be perfect
in the way I think it should be
you agree
like that
it could be perfect

but it never was
and with what I have
I cannot make it so
not now
not on my own

but i have made it better
which is what I can do
part of what I want
so I must be contented with that
for now
"

that's all I can talk about
the rest I learned
the teaching
was unwordable
something about moving too fast
which is all out grounding
which has to do with insecurity
fear of father
teachers
relating in family
community
with women
mother? sister?

"the way it's all gonna be"



.iP

Saturn is sitting on top of Venus
Mars is sitting next to her
Mercury in on his way to run into this mess
and the moon is almost dead

can I stop this anxiety?

I'm not responsible for anyone else's life
I can't be
but I can be for my own
right?

Saturn is a big dark bully
but Fuck You Dad
no, Fuck YOU Dad
I'm tired of not living my dreams

I mean
I know
I have
you have
they have

are we all tired?
what about you?
seems all the men I've loved stop short
we're paralyzed
shaking like leaves on the surface of the river
sweeping under
mingling with decay

my body is melting
mixed in with syrup
corn
cream
gummi bears
my arms are goop
and I can't seem to make my finger do much
I want to sing
but mostly grunt

I'm a fucking God
how'd I turn into such a troll

weight
when does the wind blow?
33 weeks before death and eternal life
again again

October 13th
how do I grow backwards
to move forward?
or trace back my steps
out of this cul-de-sac
the edge of the cliff
I always said i jumped off in desperation
and learned how to fly
but I didn't
I just fell asleep there
on the ground
I'm still there
sleeping
dreaming
"I am the most free man there ever was, I never stopped escaping"

I stood on the edge
and let the wind blow through me
scattered my leaves to the wind
wild topiary
branches
or less..

I keep talking about the economics of live
to myself
this
all
disjointed
declarations
like hidden poems
blocking communication

hungry for sugar!

I can't be concerned for them right now
not now
them not living their dreams
is their deal
me
I gotta
I gotta try and fail
I gotta try and fly

I gotta

what else would I do?

.iP

what does that mean?
when I see his name
my heart aches
because he's someone who can take my shit
tells me to shut up
says all I want is to be annihilated
and he will teach me

and I yearn...

but I don't think that's really love
I think it's just the familiar taste of my wound
my fall-back kink

and even if I ever got it
for real
and all
it wouldn't really help
how could it?
I have to take the next breath anyway
me
I have to keep my heart beating
mine

for myself
I yearn...


.iP

you know
when the elevator door opens
and you expect a bloody dead body in there
falling out
or blocking the buttons...
just something else to deal with


.iP

I poured out the kombucha yesterday
made a strong black currant bottle
a strong chyavanprash
and a strong honey one
plus one bottle of raw

this morning I made brownies for the first time in my life
a pinch of cinnamon
a pinch of cardamom
a pinch of nutmeg
(much larger quantities really)
and green coconut oil cut with butter
candied ginger and walnuts

baked it in my cast iron skillet
really yummy

now we're on our way to Spa Castle

it's not as hard as I thought it'd be

.iP

because I told my friend I was stealing his pashmina
and put it on in the cold subway car
and noticed its beautiful quality
then realized a family of Indians were staring at me as if I were a saint
I took off my headphones to hear them
asked the girl to take my picture
jumped off at Jay street
but realized I could get Lemons if I stayed on til west 4th
so jumped back on
to wait after shopping

because I wanted to get some Chyavanprash for Leo
and this would be the best time
I got off at 2nd ave
with a feeling of propriety
and walked the streets with a powerful feeling of nostalgia
now closed out of this
which I never fit well anyway
I walked to the indian grocery on 1st near 6th and wandered

because I took a few drags

because I've been such a drag lately
and wish I could just lighten up

because my best friend is dying of liver cancer and there's nothing I can do

because i had more than a glass of wine at dinner
though I'd fasted all day
I wanted to show there was no hard feelings by staying to eat with them
even though I really wanted to rush home after teaching yoga
he paid me for both days today
usually just one
so I had an extra $100 in my wallet
which was buried under the three cloths my friend who always forgets things left at their house
I promised to fetch them for him
two sarongs and a pashmina

because I was jealous of my friend having a day full of loving
where I spent the night feeling put out
traveling too far
not sleeping enough
to have sex with someone I've closed my heart to
because I feel he abused me
because I loved the sex I had with him
and denied me steadily until I became dispassionate with him
and closed my heart
bit took his bait anyway and put myself out
then gave a massage the next day
feeling drained and fed upon
by a guy who said I presented myself as positive
but was just as negative and depressive as he was
but there I was
another $120 in my wallet

because I tried to be nice
and it was ok
but ate with him out of politeness
then felt too hot and heavy to enjoy being at Spa Castle fully
and felt spaced and tired from sex and sleep deprivation
we surfaced
and I wanted to make a phone call
but as soon as it was done
it jumped out of my pocket somehow
and cracked the glass on the front of the screen
I'd put $300 in my wallet in 50s to buy the new phone whenever they got one in
because I've been waiting for the white one
and they've been sold out since they went on sale
and they just announced the white one isn't being made coz it can't be perfect
just like that

because I touched my belt yesterday and thought about those biker wallets
and how a chain wallet would be nice when I replace this one

because I've been thinking of closing my account at bank of America and opening one at Chase anyway

because I saw a picture of myself today...
but where?
in my dreams?
one from before that German street parade I bought this one at
and I was still wearing the button coin purse I got in Peru
(that I lost one night in a cab in London while wearing pants, like these, without belt loops)

because I was wearing pants like this when my phone jumped out of the pocket
but not these...

because I was cleaning the house all day today
talking on the phone for hours
when he called
I called him a douchebag
coz he said he'd be over no later than two
and there it was
quarter to five
which I didn't notice
and was rushing
because I'm always late
so didn't change pants
just put my metrocard in my pocket and my wallet in my bag
my bag I got from my father
that I rarely ever zip up
because it's an old bag and the zippers are huge and stiff

because I always keep $100 in my wallet
no more, in case I lose it
so I won't lose very much
$40 hidden in the back
and I never really worry about losing it
because it's always on my belt

because if been thinking about him all day
for days
but
subliminally
so didn't notice
but he called me
and I felt like someone loved me
because I was so sad
under the full moon
and we were fighting
but we knew we liked to fight
and were talking
I was so insecure
I always am
scared and stupid
and he told me he'd teach me to be a slave
but I was.. am.. still all angry that I have to pay him to live me the way I've always wanted a friend to love me
I'm obviously not good enough
I feel
my love being worth little
money must accompany it

because the trains were full
and one door was jammed by two deformed adults in mechanized wheelchairs
the man constantly making jokes to offset his uncomfort and making fag jokes about a furry Dominican daddy
funny! ha!
but what a sorry lot in life
but one of my best friends here broke his nose yesterday
really, why would I complain?

because after paying for more than I had intended to get at the indian grocery store on 1st ave near 6th street
I tucked my wallet into my bag crammed with cloth
in a haze
and walked by a fruit stand thinking I should stop and get lemons
but walking on anyway
when turning on St Mark's I realized I was missing something
and reached into my bag to find my wallet gone
really gone
gone gone
over $500 gone
and my ID, driver's license from California
credit card and debit
EBT and 8gb flash stick
gone
a stack of my moo cards
if they'd want to return it
I walked my path
not even five minutes from when my wallet was last in my hand
it could have fallen out
but this is an area famous for junkies and thieves
of course I didn't find it
but was glad my metrocard was in my pocket
and what was left of my phone was still in my bag

because i looked up at the moon and asked "Why? WHY?"
and wondered
what is this luck?
and why do i have so much of it right now?

.iP

the little girl struggled with the drinking fountain
shattered husks of failed attempts confettied the ground as if a party had been happening
but she was almost done
holding a translucent plastic box nearly full already
she just needed one more
but these two bearded men approached
which unnerved her
causing the lip to slip
and water splash out in a rush

the big one was ravenously thirsty
the slim one looked her in the eye and asked if shed like help
she told him she was fine on her own
yet her body said
yes, please
he took the tiny yellow thing from her little hand
and deftly put it on the spout
started filling it
asking her how big she wanted it

slight
the big one told him his cousins called those half-filled little ones "squishes"
more fun
they don't explode so easily...

he tied it off and handed it to her
only then seeing her open her case
strange fluid jewels there
looking heavy and lugubrious
like his friend
he smiled at her
while the big one drank

they walked on
but the slim one stopped quick
finding what looked like an intact red one on the ground
he scurried back to the fountain and filled it
just to squishy level
tied it off
and ran to catch up the big one

it was leaking from a pin-prick
which he kept his finger over
holding it up to the light as he walked
imagining biting into it and tasting its superb cool juicy redness

the big one stopped at the next fountain
where the slim one played with him by letting the fruit leak out on his sandaled foot
the big one looked up
around
touching the fountain
puzzled
back to drink
again
they made eye contact
and laughed
and walked on through the sweltering day...

.iP

walking stick
stick being the size one hand can hold
usefully

balance
your imbalance
walk

.iP

momma died when we were real young
daddy and Jim and I had to take care of ourselves
daddy taught us hunting real young
but all the limitations over the years has made it harder to feed ourselves that way
daddy was real tough about that
making us have to kill our food when we were boys
skinning and roasting
now there are too many people with big houses and no trespassing signs
daddy's been dead a while now
we found he had some money when he died
which was real good for us
and all those years with just the three of us we got real stubborn and never really liked having a lady around the house
so it's just us two now and we come here for dinner a few times a week
it's a real good buffet
I like it a lot
an their homemade pies keep us both real happy
we're the luckiest guys alive
I'm glad we still got eachother..

.iP

a friend offered to take me for a Road Trip
... to Pittsburgh
to pick up some paintings he left there
and come right back.
we decided to make it an over-nighter

drove out yesterday (leaving around 1)
arrived around 10
but the whole city was sold out of hotel rooms
(we were shocked.. i thought the city was a dead horse)
it does look like a beautiful city, shame it looks like there are no people in it...
but there are many houses
many hills
mountains
trees
bridges

i imagine it to be like Portland Oregon
is there anything going on in Pittsburgh?

we didn't really try and find out
we round a hotel nearish the airport
with a taped-up carpet
and beds that inflated via remote control
.
.
.

we got the paintings this morning
drove back quickly afterwards
but seeing as it took is so long to get there
it took us even longer to return
involving lunch at a crazy local Buffet (with homemade pies! and gigantic people) playing a game of checkers at the CrackerBarrel
and going for a walk in the Delaware Water Gap
... i hadn't done that in a very long time
i have many memories of the area
and
this is the first time i've been there with a good camera

i love my new camera
and i love the forest there
it was so beautiful

i got high from the walk
the drive was great for a perspective shift
and his companionship and conversation also served for inspiration

i threw the pics from the forest up (and a biker on the road, ahhh)
and now i'm heading to sleep

every day is a new day

when I used to drive
Iyar a friend out here in Buttzville
I think he's dead now
and I haven't been here in years

but on our return route from Pittsburgh
I recommended we stop at the opening of the Appilacian Trail and hike for a bit

it is so beautiful
I'd love to come out here regularly
the air is so lush
moist
full of prana
green
gorgeous

I'm just thankful now
and feeling Gooood

(couldn't turn the air conditioner back on right away... I wanted some real wind... so wrapped my hair)

.iP

walk up this heavy day
see that sky through the cracks
climb our towers
look out over our world
that world
not the world we live in
here
but all that underneath us
what we'll never have

ours is better
up here
Mine
Ours
but I'll never get that
that hill over there...
what's in that green?
I wouldn't know by visiting
never know
never have it
but to live there
and a transplant is an always an Alien
that's bullshit Johnny
you can't ever belong there
that's why you gotta clone yourself with a local momma to male a new body
a new boy
a new man
who can grow up a part of those leafy valleys
know its caves and streams
salt marshes and antique stores!
and often look up at these towers
over here
and wonder what it'd be like...

what would it be like?

.iP

I keep feeling frustrated with talking about myself
blahblahblah
who the fuck cares?
me me me

apparently my iPhone agrees with me
I've used a iPhone for nearly three years and have never noticed this until the last few months:
Mist of the time I type "me" the iPhone auto-corrects it to "mr"

which is one of the factors that lead me to talking about other people (or trying to... pretending too)

how long has it been doing that and I didn't notice?
mostly the autocorrect is good
but the mr/me shit is driving mr fucking nuts

Argh!

I understand there is value in my conceited ramblings
that, though expressed through myself
I may be writing some things that resonate universally
but it's obviously time to come from another angle

"I gotta learn!"




.iP

I... uhhh
this train is so long
and this seat is so hard
I, uh....

I was seeing my daughter's son down today
at that place he works near all the queers
it's so nice to see him
every time I see him he's grown so much
I, uhhh
ummm

today I went to see my daughter at the restaurant
she didn't show up
she often doesn't
but I talked with Bobby though
for a while
I don't understand what leads him to live like that
when I was a kid
I... uhhhh

I,
I remember walking with my buddies
stealing fruit from the street vendors
giving it to my grandma
aaah...
I remember being out long after night fall
dancing with the ladies
throwing rocks at the lights
you know
walking at night
with your buddies
when you're young
looking at the signs
at the moon
at all the people
their lives...
we were only kids
fifteen or something
no idea what to do
what we could do
no idea yet
no concept of our power
oh...
what would you call it?
I don't know
but
you know
we'd hit a ball through a window
and feel the drama and shock
of it
you know
we'd get to breaking them on purpose
so
i remember one night
late
I couldn't go home
she made me crazy
and they were out dancing
I was carrying a bottle of soda I'd been drinking
sitting on the cement wall in the park
the light just glaring at me like that
I hardly thought about it
I had perfect aim, always playing ball in those days
the light just burst
and I was left in the dark
the nearest lamp flickering through the leaves a block away
such a shock
I felt really alone then...

I, uhhhhm
I think of that when I see the broken lamps now
when I was young and felt so alone
and now, I
I uh...

oh, did I miss my stop?

( he gets up and rushed to the door, his eyes darting... )

.iP

he's a man who has always had the gift of humor
never got bogged down in the seriousness of his obligations
being able to perform
and stay light hearted

perhaps that's how things get done
to find the joy in and around the tasks that need doing
and put just as much energy into them

making real work changes
working with heavy equipment
and still being very present with his men
of course, he feels better across from
them than with them
the jokes and story keep him in attention
and separate from The Guys
better at being friendly with them
than being with them

(oh, I don't have much creative energy left today... blew out twice and taught a yoga class... coming down from food and air conditioning and stoned... Oh No!! I started talking about myself and being a whiny white man! damn!
I really liked this picture and wanted to try..)

.iP

regardless of the opportunities offered us
we have found ways to make it work here
even if it's the same things we did at home
there are just so many more people here
potential for a dollar handed over

father hasn't got any paperwork
he hasn't got a choice
he can't do the physical work we do... when we get it
but he knows how to play more songs than I even know
and still loves singing
he gets dressed in his best clothes
this us his work
seeing as we don't have a restaurant here to regularly play in
we have all of these train cars
constantly
all day
as long as we can play
and stay on our feet
we at least get a dollar each per song
mostly
often more
and it really helps feed the rest of the family when we get home
and keeps the tequila flowing

this is really an amazing land of plenty...

.iP

we grew up here
saw the pavement changed
lost a cousin under the tires of a fast turning car
saw more than one father disappear into other houses
in other blocks
other boros

my uncle taught him how to open the hydrant when he was still too young to control it
but I'm glad he can do it now
make it look so easy
gives us a reason to all be together here

keeping cool
moms bitching
he's the only sexy one in the family
but I've had his brother a few times already

and her
she don't know what it's like...
I can't wait to grow up and get out of here
get with a man who can buy a house over in Jersey
somewhere nice
maybe Florida
I can't wait
when I turn 14 I'monna see if I can live with my tio
but today
it's good to keep cool
watching the kids playing

(what do I know...
I live around these people and can't seem to understand them at all)

.iP

you know the story

.iP

old man
me
tired old man
sleeping on the train
resting on my cane
eyes flickering closed and open
to look for stops
but conserve my waning energy

what was so easy in youth
has all fallen
now
I didn't need to bother then
and I certainly don't
now
but
now
I look and feel shabbier
shakier

the things I used to care about
most of them I don't anymore
I just want to get from where I've been
back to my place of comfort

I found this board on the street
it might be useful

it's cold in this car
oh, my knee hurts
my hands gripping each other
won't hold me up

I get off
at 190th street
but the gate is too heavy to push through
I'm glad that man helped me
no one else would
no one...

I'm no one anymore
disappearing as you walk by
thank you for remembering me for this moment

.iP